ShadowDame

Goldfish in a Glass

2011-10-03T08:15:00.002+08:00

Seeking Refuge by ~mikeshkaos

A night of sleep and I am completely sober.

A month and a half and we didn't completely understand each other. Or completely misunderstood each other.

A day of silence and I still can't help but feel like I'm just simply worth nothing in his mind.

A night of sleep and I am completely awake.

A month and a half and we both start a new chapter of our lives. Or at least I'll try.

A day of silence is all I needed.

And in all honesty, I can look back and see that I've tried.

So why, goldfish, do you look like you're drowning?

Yet when I so carefully took you out and saved you, you drowned?

Sink or Swim

2011-09-09T18:54:00.006+08:00

"Sorrow comes in great waves...but rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us, it leaves us. And we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, in as much as it passes and we remain." – Henry James

Every single time I think I'm fine again, that I am marginally "happy", "satisfied" with life, convinced myself I have rooted it out of me. I do it again and again. And it comes back for me like it was always there, like it had never left.

I frantically search within myself, to find that cure that I thought I found before and ask myself if I'll find it again and if this time it will just be another temporary relief.

And with utmost loneliness, like eating dinner with only your toy rabbit as companion, I ask myself if I can survive it this time.

I remember when they tried to diagnose me, like a mechanic flipping open the hood of a car for inspection, asking me if my family had a history of such (as if what my grandfather did carried down to us like a blood born virus) or finding the causes (was it my head or my heart) and they had their cure for me with their little pills of happiness.

They didn't help me by curing me, they help me because with them in little bottles, I know that I have the power over my life, and I can leave this place any time I want.

So I wonder, even as I know the silent weight of them on my palm and the black wave tires me out, and I try to fight even as I give in, will I survive it this time?

Will I come out the stronger in as much as it passes, and I remain.

Starless Nights

2011-06-06T20:42:00.003+08:00

Star Pond by =nanako

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Honour to love you

Still I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look I can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is au fait,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh...
Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Now I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I wont let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands

Corinne Bailey Rae - "Like a Star"

For you my friend.

2011-04-26T21:59:00.000+08:00

Windmills and the Willow by *JaimeIbarra

"There's something that you won't show,

Waiting where the light goes...

And anyway the wind blows,

It's all worth waiting for.

Pull on the borders to lighten the load,

And tell all the passengers we're going home..."

From "Windmills", by Toad the Wet Sprocket

To Drown Would be So Easy

2011-04-15T21:27:00.002+08:00

by northengirl

I'm still so afraid.

Everything I do, don't do, say, don't say.

I strive with my whole being to make you happy.

And I know we're both putting on a facade.

And I'm more scared it'll crumble than scared you're lying to me.

I'm still so afraid of you.

Green is the Ocean

2011-04-10T23:14:00.001+08:00

Ocean green by *Sugarock99

"You are the best. You are the worst. You are average. Your love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself. To understand your fellow humans, you must understand why you give them your love. You must realize that hate is but a crime-ridden subdivision of love. You must reclaim what you never lost. You must take leave of your sanity, and yet be fully responsible for your actions." -Gnarls Barkley, in a letter to the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs

I'm Sorry but I'm Not

2011-03-19T20:02:00.003+08:00

We Don't Need Any Words by *nibbia

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
-What are words, Chris Medina

I forgot the heartbreak of giving them away.

I'm a woman that places way too much emphasis on words. We can bicker, joke, tease, play with these words the same way a man can play with a woman's heart.
Sometimes in some sense, words weigh more heavily on me than action. Maybe it's like when you're reading a passage in a book, describing the green pastures, and it just forms in your mind, the scenery, the scents, the sounds.

And just like that when someone simply says "I love you." in its simplest form, the emotion forms up in your mind. But these 3 words and 8 letters are different. I give them less credence than a well-crafted lie.

So how it is fair?

He grafts pretty words like blooming daisies. He weaves warm stories like knitted scarfs. He grants heartening sentences like little prayers.

So how is it fair?

I Don't Need Tomorrow

2011-03-16T10:00:00.003+08:00

Doll by *KayleighJune

Like Izzie Stevens said,

What if I don't have anything to wish for? What if I have everything that I want at this moment?

Maybe I still wish for little somethings. That she'll find love with that man. That he'll be happy from oceans away. That he'll find a girl and a job. That he'll find a girl and a job or school. That he'll come back to him again.

If I had a bigger heart, maybe that Japan will be safe.

But prayers and wishes aside, I can say for once I have finally nothing to complain about (other than school of course).

I love him.
Does anything else matter?

Choices

2011-03-06T10:58:00.003+08:00

Dirty by *ButterflyLady

"On the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright
then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised."
-Rihanna, Love the way you Lie II

I don't know what to think of him, of me, of us. And of them.

I know one day in the future when I look back into this post, I'll be curious about what happened on this very day (ok, a few days before). Maybe I'll remember, maybe I won't. And if I do, maybe I'll still be angry, maybe I won't.

But for now, I remember and I am.

I hate that they had to make me choose myself over him. And consequently forced him into choosing me over them. And because of these forced choices....

I constantly question myself about him, about me, about us.

One second journey

2011-03-02T02:06:00.002+08:00

Delicate by *alina0

On the day I told her I think I've really fallen in love.

I got my heart broken. :)

But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.

2011-02-22T09:37:00.002+08:00

T i t a n i c by *Alephunky

Would you walk to the edge of the ocean
Just to fill my jar with sand
Just in case I get the notion
To let it run through my hand

Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies
Yeah, put them in a lamp to light my world
All dressed up in a tux and bowtie
Hand deliver to a lonely girl

All Your Life - The Band Perry

I dare not want,
Yet I keep needing.

Saint Valentin

2011-02-14T11:32:00.003+08:00

Self by *ArLapka

Ever After
I have no words that will cover you as they should my eyes have what you need to see if my lips move to tell you of my love they will only kiss press to feel you if I whisper with this taste will you know my hands have what you need to trace my love touching you with fingers of slight movement easy slide if I press them to your lips stopping the words my love will flow for words will not cover you as they should my own soul it folds inside your arms resting on moist lips of a morning kiss will the sound of my heated blood coursing through veins of desire drown the silence that surrounds when you are gone from my side
Be gentle with this one of no words
to cover for he loves thee beyond reality

- Mitch XXX

Kalon

2011-02-11T17:25:00.002+08:00

Sometimes in loneliness you forget everything else. I would never blame a man that strayed if left alone for an extended period of time. I wonder if I need to seek forgiveness on the same basis.

I'm scared to fall. A part of me regrets and want to turn back time, afraid to destroy that which we had that was so precious and familiar. Another part of me doubts the both of us as ingenuine and want to trample forward in discovery of an answer.

I'm scared to lose you before I have you.
And I miss you even when you're here.

Iris

2011-02-07T14:14:00.004+08:00

Lithium by *fhrankee

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

I have so many questions that I dare not know the answer to.
So many questions for him, for myself even.

For this 3 years it was like I stopped moving. I stood by at the sidewalk watching the coming and goings of other people, of their lives as they whizzed by me. And now it feels like I've leaped into a high speed oncoming traffic, mangling the lives of others.

I dare not take the first time, only to fall into thin air as there was no road in front of me.

Did it mean nothing?
Was it just pity?
Am I not enough or too much?

I was fine, until you kissed me, when I was walking out the door.

God's Angels

2010-12-05T13:12:00.003+08:00

Angel by Vampirenish

I am more than that. I am the son, and also the father and the holy spirit.

Chris: How dare you mock the holy trinity?!

You may laugh at me but this is how I show respect to my father, my God. Just like my father and maybe even you. As humans have their faith, why can’t darkness discover their own as well? Wouldn’t you agree?

People say that the heavens won’t forgive us. But is that really true?

If Miracles can only be born of light, then what about the miracle that lets you breathe and feel emotion in your heart? What about the miracle that allows you not to have to eat, and spend eternity with your loved ones? This light that comes from darkness, is it not a miracle?

Let us create a hymn to a new god.

“For we who are in this tent groan being burdened not because we want to be unclothed but further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.”

Rayflo: Your balls are shrivelling up from this one bible verse and you want to create God’s hymn. Don’t make me laugh.

I never once thought that using these filthy polluted hands to steal something so pure and white from its proper death was any kind of Goddamned miracle.

- Vassalord, Nanae Chrono

Monochrome World

2010-11-29T20:32:00.004+08:00

Snowy River Black and White by marble911

Today, I prayed for only being able to see the world in black and white. I felt that if I had a problem like that, my life would be significant somehow. It wasn't to bid for pity, or to become special. It was my miserable attempt to find a reason for this depression. So that I could pinpoint what was wrong within me. At least even if i couldn't fix it, I could conquer it and get over it.

But no. When I opened my eyes, I could still see the blue tiled walls, the grey floor, and the colorful but colorless reflection of myself in the mirror.

-||-

Yesterday I realized how it felt to be smiling. The kind of smile you smile when all you want to do is snarl at the b*tch in front of you. I think if the gods saw me, they would cower in fear of how a person could change faces so fast when I closed the door, or be so fake when I was still smiling.

But then they made me this way didn't they. It's wrong to say I feel nothing. The only thing comforting in my life so far is the sense of loneliness and anger that I can still feel. That's why I burst into flames so easily. They're the only painless way to tell me I can still feel.

To tell me I'm still alive.

Take Me away from Me

2010-11-10T11:33:00.002+08:00

like broken glass by Eisblume

Some people call me cold blooded.
Some people call me a cold blooded bitch.
Some people call me a big, fat, ugly cold blooded bitch slut.

It's okay.

Whatever people say, I don't care.
But sometimes, there are moments and things that I care too.
You don't know how much of an effect you have on me. I don't mind being called all manners of things, but one word from you can shake my world off its axis.

Don't I have feelings too?

Secrets from myself

2010-10-13T19:05:00.003+08:00

Pandora's little box by *ennil

According to Greek mythology, Pandora opened a jar (mistranslated as Pandora's box), out of curiosity, releasing all the evils of mankind leaving only hope inside once she had closed it again.

---

Everyone has secrets.
I don't know about others, but there are some secrets that I have that are held so silent even my parents wouldn't know it. These are secrets that I wish to keep from myself even. Now I wish to share this particular secret - in an effort to rearrange them into something I can deal with.

Since I was young, vanity was something embarrassing.
It was something I had to hold in secret, and I hid it so well from myself, I forsaken my own appearance and health (in a causal relationship). Even now I'm trying to cope that a certain amount of vanity (public, in an essence) is healthy and reasonable.

Never judge a book by its cover.
But no one would pick a book that is falling to pieces and covered with dust.
It's time I did something. Maybe. Trying...

:)

Can You Paint With All the Colours of the Wind?

2010-10-13T12:15:00.002+08:00

Pocahontas by *eRiQ

"And fantasy it was, for we were not strong, only aggressive; we were not free, merely licensed; we were not compassionate, we were polite; not good, but well behaved. We courted death in order to call ourselves brace, and hid like thieves from life. We substituted good grammar for intellect; we switched habits to stimulate maturity; we rearranged lies and called it truth, seeing in the new pattern of an old idea the Revelation and the Word."

-Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye

I'm finally done with this book, but I know that the lessons learned from it will last a lifetime. Then now we have William Shakespeare's The Tempest, which is much worse than I feared... I'm glad to hear that even JC students are having problems coping. I mean it is a comfort of course. But you can't discount the fact that they have so many advantages we don't! Reading The Tempest for a whole full year for their A levels and having 2 more weeks for this module now. I know, I know, life's not fair.

On a second note, we are, albeit slowly, blending into the University Life. Of course in our own way - the I don't need to excel but just survive this phase way. Yay us.

Life without Water

2010-10-04T11:04:00.004+08:00

High School Friends 01 by ~573ph4n13
"High School Friends Just Aren't Worth It" series

I know we're no longer in High School. Wait, there isn't even High School here anyways. But the sentiment carries.

It's kinda hard to try to motivate myself. Like I told Celine, it's like an ocean. And for now it's constantly high tides for us. And we're just trying out best no to drown.

I'm doing my lit assignment for Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye. And throughout, I can only sympathize with Percola because we're much identical. She, a victim of Black Naturalism, becomes passive to all of society's pressure.

As much as I would like to say that by being what I have become today, I was evidently trying to struggle against society's standards for beauty and feminism, it is a lie. I have acted out - rhetorically and metaphorically - my unwillingness to compromise. And now, I've completely bent under its crushing weight.

Like Shirley Temple to Percola, our society has left me no one to blame but myself.

On a side note: I wish that she was there for you, because I missed the you back then when you had her too.

Edit: And haven't I watched as more and more people, whom I knew, fall victims to society's standard of beauty?

Dear Veronica

2010-09-25T11:09:00.003+08:00

Diary by ~RoowzjuH

I wonder if it's a good or bad thing that I'm sort of starting to blog again. Sometimes its terrifying to look back at your "diary" and see that a year has passed by, and all the pages are blank. And I'm not like Bella in Twilight, where the pages after those blank months, will be filled with something / someone again.

And an even better resolution is to be able to look back when I'm sad and find something I should be happy about. First, I have to set out being okay with myself. And I'm starting.

Gogogo, Veronica :)

Love is like Glass

2010-09-22T16:44:00.003+08:00

+smile+ by skei

Just as I was about to write this, it started raining.
I feel like I'm a sponge. As if I were the soil of this very earth, if it rained I would slowly soak up all the water and be filled with it. Yet I feel as if I were empty, that's why all these feelings would seep into me.
I love you (as a friend now since that's all we can be) but sometimes I fear talking to you. As if your very sorrow, now a mirror image of mine, would slowly become mine as well.
I want to tell you I know how you feel, that I've been through all this before. But I can't, because I know that once you slip into this, you'll never find your way out.

But I know there's one difference, we're not the same because there's a reason for your pain. You're hurting for her.

----

13/09/10

When I could write again that day, I though I had climbed out of the black hole. It didn't matter that I was listless, restless, had no interest in doing anything at all. And I should have known. The fact that all these actions they termed tantrums started to spill out of me like a vengence should have told me better. I kept asking my mother for a dog. She gave me answers like "I have no money", "I have no time", "I have no energy". And it was not enough.

The fact that no one could understand that the dog was just a cry from a small part of my loneliness made me yet more isolated. I started to think what would happen if I wrote that on Facebook and my sister saw it. She would claim that I was too irresponsible, too easily forgetful. I suddenly thought, I would finally get to spill out all my greivances - that when has she said anything nice about me? - on the world wide web.

I think God is trying to show me something now that I'm all alone on the upper deck of the bus. That my loneliness is spreading. I know why but I can't stop it.

"I gave you everything you wanted." I wanted to shout at her. And I would know her reply, she would tell me as always how her friend's children would be better - that they worked while they studied, that they helped with the household chores. That all these things that she asked of me were for my own good. But I gave her all I could, in my own diminished and spoiled capacity. All I ever wanted for myself was to be happy.

To have someone, just someone. Anyone to call my own.

I wasn't just unhappy in school. I was blank - a void. Like in this depression, every emotion other than the rage and sorrow slips past me and just won't stick. Add in all the stress, the worry, the plain frustration and I should have seen this coming all along.

"I'll be your dog," she said. And who was she insulting but me? Did she herself think I was going crazy again? I'm so tempted to call a help line, go to the hospital. To tell them how I feel, to tell them that even now I still think about suicide, and the only thing that's stopping me is my fear.
Fear of breaking my mother, fear of the pain, fear of the fact no one would miss me when I'm gone anyways. And they would check me in, lock me up with all the people who seem to have a real mental condition compared to mine. And some part of me yearns for it. To take that time out from the real world for nothing other than yourself can touch you there. And I'm filled with fear again, while I'm silently crying in the back of the bus. Fear that it would break my mother, fear of the isolation, fear that no one would care when I'm gone anyways.

And fear that this careful, fragile life I started to build would break apart again. This time, I don't think that I have the power to pick myself up, much less put myself together.

"It's cruel to keep the dog tied up when we're busy," she said;. Then wasn't it cruel to keep me in this world when I'm unwilling? I would choose to go if given a chance. And I known that in some part of me that if someone had asked me to leave this place together, it would grant me bravery, and I would go.

---

I told my mother yesterday, that sometimes I hated her for it.
I asked her, that back then when I sunk into... this. Was some part of her happy that I wasn't there at all? That I had hid so deep into myself emotionally, and into my room physically, that was she happy I wasn't there needing things from her?
And she told me, if she knew she wouldn't be happy at all.
I know, mum.
She tried to explain that she was stressed and busy and everything else.
And I know. It's just that, I wished you had dragged me out of this sooner.
So I wouldn't be sitting here even five years later, feeling like I've never gotten out of it at all.

Words

2010-08-29T17:27:00.002+08:00

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I love the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie.

I think it's coming again. Always, after a period of sudden and inspiring eloquence, it follows. Then I find that I'm running out of words. I used to be able to pacify myself with all these words and suddenly I'm mute.
I find myself constantly scrambling to look for song lyrics, scripts of movies and dramas, books with lines so that I can actually convey myself to another person. But none of these words are mine.

Beauty is within Us

2010-07-20T22:23:00.001+08:00

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
Captain Corelli's Mandolin6. "Love is the beauty of the soul."
-St. Augustine

Muse - Undisclosed Desire

2010-03-16T20:09:00.001+08:00

Desire by thestory

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Finally Found

2010-02-26T13:42:00.002+08:00

It's been a while...

Since my last post, since the things I wrote (below) has passed.

------

When he said “I love you,” I wanted to scream, to shout, “No, you don't!”
When he said “I have faith in you,” I wanted to whisper, to tell him “And nothing to base it on.”
He barely knows me.
I barely know him.
Then why, oh why, do I want to say those words back to him?
Maybe, I even said them first.

I am hoping that the clock in my heart will resume its fast, never-relating pace. Because, people say in time we will forget. I am hoping, I –, no, my heart will forget them soon.

It's like having faces of the dead haunt you in the middle of the day. Their hands would hold mine, which was probably the reason why my whole body would burn in a summer day, but my hands would never even thaw.

“My heart is too big for my chest, it yearns to burst free. But if it does, where will it go?”
He said to me, putting an invisible hand on my chest, “I know where your heart will go.” But he doesn't, because I know where my heart was. I wish I could say that the heart beating in my chest was not mine, was his, so that could be the reason it felt so uncomfortable, so ill-fitting. That love could be so full, so filling it hurt you to breath. But I did not know who's heart was in my chest, maybe if the doctors cut me open one day, they'll find nothing in my but a spectre of air. A ghost of a heart.

I placed a hand over my chest, and it passes through air and settled on my own skin. I was alone. “Me too, but by then, baby, I'd be gone.”

“Don't leave.” He replied, I could feel his hands settling around me. Once I whispered when no one was listening, I told them that I would break apart without his hands around me. But it was already broken, as I am, and I was seeping through his fingers like sand.

I lied and turned and tapped his heart. “I'm always here.”

He smiled, as if comforted by it. Does that mean he knew he had my heart? The one given to him as a whole, beating and full of love – a love that I tried desperately to make it fit into his chest, make into something so natural to him he forgets its existence, just like how we forget our own hearts.

Could you stand under the sun and burn into ashes?
Could you walk into the ocean and melt into raindrops?
Could you stand in the breeze and vanish into air?
Because I wish I could.

One night, I dreamt of him. It was nothing sexual – though it might have been – but as I moved towards him while he was drumming, I moved in my dream. And smacked my head against my wall. It felt like reality was trying to wake me up, it moved something as immovable as a wall – ok I moved – and hit me on the head with it.

There are others like me. We gather together spreading our stories to only people like us like addicts in an alcoholic anonymous. We do it this way because we have tried to tell our tales to others, but they scoffed us in being silly. We do it this way because only people who had fallen in love like this – if it's possible (remaining a remote resemblance of reality here) – would understand.

It's like sitting together in a group and standing up and saying, “Hi, I'm Veronica and I'm in love with a man I've never met.” Not in real life anyways.

Some of our love are unrequited, some unknown by the one we “love”.
Some of our love are mutual, some “so near yet so far” (interstate or a country side by side and only hours apart), some on opposite ends of the earth.
I'm 14 hours ahead of him.
To be dramatic, 14 hours means we don't see the same sun, don't sleep under the same moon, we exist in the same day for less than 24 hours. 14 hours means he's not right on the other side of the world, but somewhere off around the axis while I am here veering around on the equator. 14 hours means my feelings have to travel back in time to get to him – and we all know we can't turn back into the past.

14 hours means I’m in his future, and I’ll keep on waiting for his feelings to arrive. And waiting… and waiting…

14 hours means a lot. It means I only met him by luck – which may account for fate dumping us into this dilemma – or rather me into this predicament. When I'm awake, he's asleep and vice versa. We move mountains to try to stay with each other as long as possible: staying up late at night. But the problem is when you move mountains, you move with it too. Then time will catch up, take its toll.

I'm working when he fights to stay up with me.
Soon he'll be working and our time together will end.

If telling each other our problems would somehow solve our problem in such self help groups, then I hope that this verbal diarrhea would solve mine too. So let me start, “Hi, I'm Veronica and I'm in love with a man I've never met.”

“You think you know the world you are living in. If you can feel it, and touch it, and smell it, and taste it, then it must be so. You tell yourself that you would bet your life on the simple fact that the sky is blue. And then one day someone comes along and informs you emphatically that you're wrong. Blue, you insist. Blue as the ocean. Blue as a whale. Blue as my daughter's eyes. But that person shakes his head, and everyone else backs him up. You poor girl, they say. All of those things the ocean, the whale, her eyes–they're green. You've gotten them mixed up. You've had it wrong all along.” - From Vanishing Acts, Jodi Picolt.

“I have been fooling everyone for years. Sure, I've given up alcohol, but that was nothing compared to my other addiction. Love is the most dangerous craving of all, if you ask me. It turns us into people we aren't. It makes us feel like hell, and makes us walk on water. It ruins us for anything else. I watch her doing the simplest things: brushing her hair into a ponytail, feeding the dog, tying Sophie's shoelaces, and I want to tell her what she means to me, but I never actually say the words. After all, to acknowledge Delia as a drug, I'd have to face the fact that one day I might have to go without her, and this I can't do.” - From Vanishing Acts, Jodi Picolt.

“You can fool yourself, you know. You'd think it's impossible, but it turns out it's the easiest thing of all.” - From Vanishing Acts, Jodi Picolt.

When I broke up once, after a life-time relationship of more than one year – with a real man who was flesh and bones and filled with attitude, I kept smelling his scent. We had loved each other but he had loved me a whole lot more that I had to break away from him before he broke me or I broke his heart because I didn't love him as much. But at times, we were so jointed together, that I could pick him out from a mile apart. I knew the smell of his aftershave, of his “perfume”. So much that when we parted, and decided to stay that way for good, I could still smell him even when he wasn't here at all.

Now, I can hear his voice in my head. It didn't burst out of nowhere like fireworks going off in my head. That would mean I have sunken so completely into him I'm already insane. But who's to say I'm not?
The sound came from a source, a shuffling from a man walking past me. But my mind, my heart, or whatever it is that controls your ears into converting those vibrations into sounds … into words, turned it into something wonderful. “Veronica,” I heard. And I turned, and it was a man, but he didn't say anything, but continued walking his way.

I wonder, if I hadn't turned, hadn't realised it was my mistake, would the sounds of the stranger's footsteps keep converting into his voice, into my name, going softer and softer as he sailed away. If so, maybe I shouldn't have turned after all.

I wish that if my body can do such a miraculous thing, maybe it could change the feel of the chair behind my back into the feel of his skin. Or maybe they could turn other people's words into his voice. If so, maybe if I kept asking my mother “Do you love me,” and she answered me back, my mind would fool myself into it being him.

Because of everything I heard him say, there was one phrase he never says. Sometimes we get on skype, where I can hear him, see him but can't feel him at all. I think he's the kind of man who would never say things he would never mean. Maybe, just maybe that's why he would never say it at all.

He would type to me “I love you,” his face in the computer screen as solid as bones. Set and serious. Was it because it was bitter to type even words he don't mean, or was it because he felt silly so he couldn't say them to me like how he wanted to.

“I knew men. My mother had taught me how to read the sentences they did not say out loud, how to wear a red cord tied around my left wrist to keep away the ones who only saw you as a single step, rather than a destination. I could tell by the bitter almond smell that rose off a man's skin whether he had cheated on his partners in the past. But the men I had known were like me–boys who had grown up dreaming in Spanish, boys who believed you could light a red candle for a dose of luck, boys who knew that a man who spoke ill of his girlfriend might find his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth when he awakened. Men like Charlie, on the other hand, went to universities and wrestled with mathematical theorems and combined chemicals to watch them rise in lovely clouds of invisible gas. Men like Charlie were not meant for girls like me.” - From Vanishing Acts, Jodi Picolt.

I drink. Not an alcoholic, mind you. But since young I have always been fascinated with drinking – maybe because my mother never allowed me to. But when the beer is put in front of me, I take little sips or swallows. My hands are always shaking when I pick up the mug, bring it to my mouth and sip tentatively, as if tasting too much of it would somehow break a control I'm trying so hard to maintain. That I would get addicted on the overflowing taste of the drink and sink into drinking. Maybe. That would have been easier than falling in love. You can go to rehab for it. It won't kill you as fast as love does.

I might drink today. Dose myself. Or smoke, not only just cigarettes but weed maybe. Just saying, and hoping someone will entice me into it, cause if someone invited me, I wouldn't even hesitate. I'd jump with both feet in, and maybe I'll sink into whatever deep pool of shit it might turn out to be. Choke, drown and die.
I already feel like shit anyways.

This afternoon, I changed my phone wallpaper back into anything but a picture of him. Immediately after, my phone hanged. I had to rip out the battery from the socket and reboot the system. When I got back to the office, decided to come back online, he was already away. Was he sleeping? Was he playing his part of this silly stupid game I played on him? Who knows. Who cares.

Ok, I do.

“Maybe you'll forget him, like how you deleted him from your phone.” Para told me.
“Maybe my heart will stop like my phone did,” I replied. Maybe someone out there would be kind enough to rip out my heart like I did to the battery of my phone. And this time, that person should just toss me into the trash can like I was something disposable. Not to be recycled, reused or renewed.

Then again, he had already ripped out my heart. Maybe that's why I left like I was dying.

–

It was a blur, and then it is over.

I told Kim that being with him killed me. He was like the alcohol I was so afraid to get addicted on. Every time he leaves me, I'm stuck with a hangover, surly and in pain. But even when I am with him, I can't remember the moments because there's this drunkard haze glazed over everything until I cannot recall the line of his jaw, the colour of his eyes. All I know is I love this man, and he doesn't love me. But for the moment that I am with him, I can forget that.

“I do not think I've ever cried in front of Eric; I don't think I've ever cried in front of anyone until two days ago. You make yourself strong because it's expected of you. You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be.” - From Vanishing Acts, Jodi Picolt.

There are some secrets in me that I do not even tell myself. I tuck it into the deepest corner of my mind so that it is the only confident I have, but so disconnected from my heart and the rest of my body that no other parts of me (especially my mouth) will be affected by these secrets.

And it is these secrets that claws me in two. It's in these secrets between us that I turn into the person he needed me to be. Except that when he's done with that person, he doesn't care about me.

“A person cannot survive with 2 hearts in his chest. Either give me yours or return me mine.” That was what I wanted to tell him. But the thing was, I told Rose, that he didn't even try to protect mine by taking it within him. He placed it on his hand, maybe thinking about what he would do. Have you ever tried to hold onto something precious while you went on with your life? You could juggle, you could take the most care you'd ever given to anything in your life, but as you go... It will always come out dented.

So he came, and then he went, like he always did. Without a sound. He raised a wall between us, around us, until I could feel the definition of loneliness right in this cell he built around me. I was his, yet I was no one's. So I shoved and pushed silently until I was free, but the wall had turned bloody with the blood from my hands, and he couldn't see me anymore. Maybe, he thought I was still there, still his. And I hope that one day he will realize I'm gone, and break down this wall between us, and come running after me.
“Like anyone else who finds himself adrift at sea, I reach for this lifeline. I believe him, and just like that, I remember how to float.” - From Vanishing Acts, Jodi Picolt.

Let's play a game, I give you two choices, and you have to choose between them, no middle grounds, no outside factors other than the words you see them as they are.

Love or Romance?

I wished I played this game with him. Took the time of being friends first before I hopped into this mess of a “relationship” with both feet in the quicksand of feelings. Romance, I'd choose romance with him - (I know the following cannot be done with him, but to convert it into an online sense...) meeting up after school/work to have a quick coffee at star bucks, catching a movie or two on the weekends (at the cinema or our place), tossing up a dinner at his place or mine and having fun about it.

Or just playing this simple game so I would know what colour he likes, what food he eats, which celebrities he adored. So that I would know him. (And in return force him to ask me questions about myself... so he would know me.)

I was pink to him – if I could be any more hilarious I would say that would be the last straw. That he would liken someone like me to the colour pink. He didn't even bat an eyelid at the fact that I bought a pink Winnie the Pooh umbrella.

I know he thinks I complicate things. But love is complicated. Despite that lies that everyone says – that a relationship is simple. It happens when you love him and he loves you. But it's not just feelings. Because if that was enough, people would never fall apart, or break away.

He avoided all of my questions.
What are we?
?
What am I?
Human, Veronica. Nothing has changed on my side, idk what's gotten into you.

Him. He got into me. Like a sickness, like a virus, like a perversity.

We'll be pink and purple, I told him. I could imagine what it would be like if we were together. I'd be in his arms, between his legs, with my back against him. I'd trace the muscles on his arms, which were loosely around me, familiarly. I'd rest my whole weight against him cause I would know he could take it.

I felt the same immense disappointment as I would if he did not reply. I would look back, turn my head so delicately to see his face. It would be tilted away from me, and I would not be able to see his eyes, only line of his jaw, the mulish look of his thoughtful pout. It didn't matter where he was looking at. It could be the tv, the pretty girl across his lawn, or nothing.

I would jerk my head back in front, try to pretend I didn't notice his distraction, carelessly nudging him in the process. He would turn his head back. “Oh really?” He would press his face into my hair, as if granting me an apology. But all I would hear is his sharp inhale, like an indrawn sigh.

“I love you.” I said blindly.
“I love you too.”
Too. Not more, not as much, but too. As if he was trying to tell me, no babe your love is unrequited, cause there's “too” of us. But it is.

Because as I moved away from his arms, he wouldn't – and didn't – notice. Right after he said those words he would lift his head and go back to staring at whatever it is he was staring. I could sneak out quietly, stumble my way or run out shrieking.

It would be the same.
I would love him, and he would love me “too”.

A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover

2009-11-04T19:10:00.001+08:00

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover

2009-11-04T19:10:00.000+08:00

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Ninteen Minutes

2009-10-19T09:46:00.000+08:00

By the time you read this, I hope to be dead.
You can’t undo something that’s happened; you can’t take back a word that’s already been said out loud. You’ll think about me and wish that you had been able to talk me out of this. You’ll try to figure out what would have been the one right thing to say, to do. I guess I should tell you, Don’t blame yourself; this isn’t your fault, but that would be a lie. We both know that I didn’t get here by myself.
You’ll cry, at my funeral. You’ll say it didn’t have to be this way. You will act like everyone expects you to. But will you miss me?
More importantly-will I miss you?
Does either one of us really want to hear the answer to that question?

h3h3

2009-08-31T00:35:00.001+08:00

HI STALKER(S) <3

In Loving Memory of

2009-08-19T13:56:00.001+08:00

Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt the sun doth move;
Doubt thou truth be a liar;
But never doubt that I love.

For just one moment of peace

2009-08-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

I would do anything, anything to erase this ache in my heart.

I never Forgive, I never Forget

2009-08-08T13:32:00.000+08:00

Nee Dareka ga oshiete kudasai, futari wa onaji na no ka na?

Doushite Soba ni Iru No, nano ni Doushite Hanareteku No.

Watashi Zenbu uketotte. Dakara, onegai. Sore ijou iwanaide kudasai, Ima wo tsunagu uso tsukanaide ...

Watashi-tachi nani o suru no darou
Ittai dokomade tsuzuite run darou
Kimi wa tada sabishikatta no
Kono omoi hakanai yume na no

你是真的爱我...?

2009-08-05T10:05:00.000+08:00

如果你认为你愛錯, 就不要继续下去, 请不要因为寂莫才恋爱。

Feel - Robbie Williams

2009-07-20T12:05:00.002+08:00

Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This road I've been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand

I don't wanna die
But I ain't keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her
Scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming

There's a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It's a real big place

Friends and Foes

2009-07-14T14:52:00.002+08:00

I know. I know at the end of the day, we'll all be applying to the same law school so everyone will end up an enemy at the end. I know. Our GPA will be our medals to compete against each other, so we lay upon this foundation and step to get above each other's head.

I know.

Happy Birthday Baby!

2009-07-02T00:11:00.000+08:00

YOU, YES YOU!

Black Smoke

2009-06-20T14:27:00.002+08:00

Sins. They're my only form of pleasure.

Sex. Smoking. Sorries.

The first drag that you take while you're lighting up the cigarrette in your hand. The first drag that is tasteless but laced with anticipation. You see the smoke eating the way up the cigarette when you lit it.

Then the true first drag where the smoke you inhale burns your breath, scours down your throat like coals or like brandy. Your eyes, unused to the heat, tears up just a little like joys of hapiness.

The taste, bitter like too much sugar in your mouth.

Then you blow it out and watch the smoke sail away from you. But there's more cause the rest of the cigarette stays in your hand. It's the only thing in your control in this uncontrollable world. Cause you can choose if you want to finish it or just it burn away.

Your heart pounds because you're filled with guilt. You know that if others found out they'll be disappointed. Then you breathed it in and you don't care. It's a secret. And it's an annoucement to the world.

I chose to finish what I started.

Then the last breath, it's so hot it sears you. I thought. Will this make my wish come true? Maybe it'll kill you faster. This is the result of sin. But the badder it is for your body, the better it feels.

Then you kill out the fire. Leave it in the ashtray. But the ashes stay within you. You can taste it.

But how long can this feeling last? How long before you have to pick up another, light up another fire. This is the real addiction. Not the chemicals, but the taste of sin.

They're my only form of pleasure left.

I won't cry, not over this.

2009-05-29T17:49:00.002+08:00

I wish someone could tell me how to feel. If there's a block in my brain to stop me from feeling all the joys and the happiness there might be a filter there to filter out all the sorrow and all the pain.

I won't cry, not over this. It's like a mantra in my head, telling myself over and over but I just might.

I always tell people don't get their hopes up, you'll get disappointed. Then how to I insure myself from hope? Someone, please take it away from me. I don't want to be an optimist. I don't want to fall and crawl up again even if it means I have to walk this life road on the very lowest edge of all, crawling.

No, I won't cry, not over this.
But I just might cry over myself.

The World is Black

2009-05-20T13:56:00.002+08:00

If I was a child, I'd whisper into the winds, "It's coming."

Although I'm no longer a child, my fear is vast and wide, and as furious and speedy as the wind I would whisper to. If only my imaginery legs could carry me as fast, and take me away. But no matter how I try to run and escape this vast bleakness that chased me through the years, it wins.

If I was a woman, I'd take a drag of the booze, take a snuff of the drugs.

Although I'm not really one, I know the meaning of intoxication. That first drag, where the smoke blinds your mind and your heart. You feel it coursing through your veins, hope it fights the imaginery cancer within you. But no matter how many sticks of it I burn through, I end up sick and aware, it is still winning.

I am paper.
It is fire.
It burns me and turns me black and leaves me nothing but ashes.
It is wind.
It sweeps me away from the ground and leaves me floucing like fishes.
It is water.
It drowns me in the currents and leaves me gasping for air.
It is earth.
It shakes me deep in the core and leaves me aching and aching and dying.
It is life.
I am living. I am dead.

Thinking of... who?

2009-05-11T11:16:00.001+08:00

Even if my heart should call out your name in the rain
Even if these arms should want to embrace you again
And even if I'm all cried out and no longer in pain
I'll never fall in love that way again.

Something's wrong with me these days.

Taking Back My Love

2009-05-04T21:26:00.000+08:00

Sean asked me a critical question today.

I know the answer.

I just don't know what to do about it.

Hah.

2009-04-29T20:47:00.002+08:00

I never blamed you for my unhappiness.

So don't blame yours on me.

[Edit]

I know my carelessness and uncaringness hurts.
I also know you hurt me as much.

I don't know why it's wrong to lie with you when you're lying to yourself, or to me.

I want to give up as much as you, and sometimes more.

Make Do

2009-04-27T17:13:00.002+08:00

I'm tired of making do.

Tired of never being able to get just one simple thing that I want.

Making do with instant food cause you can't cook.
Making do with atlantica cause you're too poor to WoW.
Making do with buses cause you can't drive.
Making do with walking cause buses don't come.
Making do with story books cause your life's a bore.
Making do with existing cause you have no life.

I wake up every day of my life already dreading the next.

2009-04-20T23:22:00.002+08:00

There are things I wish to say.

There are things I can't explain.

There are things you need to know.

There are things you will never understand.

Secondhand Serenade :: Why

2009-03-31T23:06:00.002+08:00

Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe
Why do you do this to me?
To me, to me, to me.

O' Zues (Speed's phrase cause I'm a ninja phraser), it's been so god damn long since I blogged. As usual, life has trampled on me in sneaky yet hard blows. As usual, I'm here because I'm sad.

Did it mean when I was not blogging I was happy!? Yeah I wish.

It's amazing when things happen, when shit lands on you, you know who's your friend and who's not. And who's your true friend might just turn up and surprise you.

It's not the ones that tell you they'll stay by your side or follow you to the ends of the earth wherever you go. It just might be the ones that fuck you up time to time calling you a double headed snake while you smiled when feeling hurt. And it just might be the ones sitting miles and oceans away where you've only seen in pictures or never seen at all.

Today was the last episode of the epic housewive show which is like the only chinese drama I've probaby caught on channel 8. There was an attempt twist on the show, with the typical happy ending of course.

Twists happens a lot in life too doesn't it?

The one who's always showering you with sappy words, with undying promises (that never comes true mind you) ends up hurting you the most (though we know it and expect it but still hope it doesn't happen). Then the one who slap you down, toss you around like paper weight is the one who cares who rings you up while you're crying and still doing your part.

Then there are other ones who call you too, tell you not to think too much about things, tell you to come back, tell you he's sorry but really? The truth? He wanted you back not to mend the fences with you, but hoping that the mirror he so carefully cherish isn't broken by your one toss.

Why am I the criminal if everyone has the same criminal intent, yet I'm the first person to act on it? Why am I the only criminal if I do such a crime and everyone else follows suit?

You don't even try to understand me then you get angry I don't share.
You don't even care if I'm hurting then you get angry I get sad.
You don't even see that I'm doing my best then you get angry I can't do it anymore.

Then you bring up the past and dump it in my face.

It's wrong to stand up for others.
It's wrong to stand up for myself.

Then will you stand up for me?

You plop your giant ass on the fence and pretend innocence then you claim I put you in a difficult position because the fence is poking you on the ass.

Well forget it, maybe someone will care about me more than I care about them now =)

Cheat [cheet]

2009-02-19T12:02:00.003+08:00

–verb (used with object)
1. to defraud; swindle: He cheated her out of her inheritance.
2. to deceive; influence by fraud: He cheated us into believing him a hero.
3. to elude; deprive of something expected: He cheated the law by suicide.
–verb (used without object)
4. to practice fraud or deceit: She cheats without regrets.
5. to violate rules or regulations: He cheats at cards.
6. to take an examination or test in a dishonest way, as by improper access to answers.
7. Informal. to be sexually unfaithful (often fol. by on): Her husband knew she had been cheating all along. He cheated on his wife.

I wanted to ask what constitutes as cheating on somebody.

She insists she doesn't love him anymore, that they're just friends, that she simply feels better with him than the other him. She lies to him just to be with him. (Is all the hims getting you tangled up by now?)
Does cheating only happen when you sleep with somebody else, or does it start from the soul or the heart? If so, does it mean everyone's not cheating or everyone's cheating on somebody else?
If you were cheated upon, would you have the heart to forgive that somebody, and forget that he or she has every touched somebody else, loved somebody else whilst he was with you?
Or if you cheated on someone, would you rather stay with the person who forgave you or know in truth you will never change and go on to hurt somebody else?

So, what is cheating to you?

Sorry for the random posting!
But Happy Birthday to Celine and PhillipXD

Handicapped but not an Invalid

2009-02-15T02:02:00.002+08:00

If I were a guy, I'd had a big p*nis.

Why? I have a huge ego without it.

I hate coming back being the last one around and having to be 'carried' (albiet my version of 'dragging') me around like an invalid.

What more? Given a non-point-plus post that might as well sit around looking pretty.

Jesus Christ, I'd live before I stopped, I won't start killing people once I stop and restart - so don't treat me like one. Cause by Christ, I could do it on my own.

Sighs.

I'm just tired and exhausted and grumpy after a long day.

I forgot about all the irritations that come with gaming. I'm trying to take his advice, but not caring is the thing I cannot do. Enjoying is the last thing I can do best.

dé·jà vu (dā'zhä vōō') -noun

2009-02-11T22:33:00.002+08:00

I won't say much.

It's just that it's the same again.

WoW and relationships don't go well together.

But I hate that everyone is forcing me to choose between one and the other.

Like I said, I hated having to give up one world of mine to just have the other.

I guess relationship means bloodshed, sacrifices, tears and evolution of thoughts.

I wonder, is there anyone out there who be part of both my worlds.

Every one of them is me. Shadow Dame is Me. Euryleia is Me.

Where does Veronica stand, I do not know.

I know this - I love you still.

Legally Insane

2009-02-09T19:27:00.002+08:00

lonely [lohn-lee]

affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.: a lonely exile.
lone; solitary; without company; companionless.

That was what I got when I searched the dictionary for loneliness.

I hate being alone, which I am most of the time. Sometimes it's due to the circumstances, sometimes due to my own choices.

But this whole 'being alone' thing - I did not use 'loneliness, mind you - is killing me. It's different, in a sense, of a fear of loneliness and a fear of being alone.
I seek people, someone, anyone, but not to be there as a companion, I need a person's presense.

Because when I'm alone, the walls sprout eyes and ears, there is something, someone watching me. The books on the walls with painted faces, printed eyes start to become some entity. It terrifies me.

So now, someone, declare me legally insane.

ap-a-thy [ap-uh-thee] –noun, plural -thies.

2009-02-06T12:49:00.002+08:00

I can’t live like this.

Sacrificing one part of my world, to fit into the other.
Stopping all movements in one part of my world, to simply move along in the other.

I can’t live like this.

I live, but I'm not living.
I function, but I'm not working.
I am, but I'm not being.

"And I know, know for sure, with an absolute certainty, that this is rock bottom, this is what the worst possible thing feels like. It is not some grand, wretched emotional breakdown. It is, in fact, so very mundane: Rock bottom is an inability to endure being lost in Piccadilly circus. Rock bottom is an inability to cope with the commonplace that is so extreme it makes even the grandest and loveliest things unbearable...
Rock bottom is feeling like the only thing that matters in all of life is one bad moment. Rock bottom is everything out of focus. It is a failure of vision, a failure to see the world as it is, to see the good in what it is, and only to wonder why the hell things look the way they do and not - and not some other way.
As if there were any way that might look right from behind that depressive fog."
- Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

No, this is not my [Hidden Self].
It is simply what others refuse to see in me.

Today, I'm the statue.

2009-01-18T17:29:00.002+08:00

"Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue."

It's stupid. It's been so long since I threw rubbish into people's face. I'm pretty amicable these days, if I do say so myself. I just want to be left alone. Still, today the pigeons are gathering around me, and shitting on my face.

First Dad.
He found my mother's handphone somehow that she forgotten to bring it to work (not the first time). He slide the phone down, I told him not to. Her phone was spoiled, once you slide the phone down, the LCD connection goes haywire and her screen goes crazy. It did, but once he slide it back up for some miraculous reason it was ok. So his fucking 6 year old mind made him slide it back down again. "Nothing what. Only slide down got problem." Dude, if you have to see it then belive it, go ahead and play with it. But once it's irreversible, for once in your life stay and fix it." He did it walked out then came in an hour later to play with it. Wtf is wrong with him? You're mother fucking 55 soon. You don't work, you take money from your wife then now your daughter, and you still think we have no right for saying things over you? Why do you bother feeding me with $1 meals while you cook yourself a feast afterwards? Wtf. I can eat rice with chilli and ikan billis or spaghetti with only an egg, you can't eat the same? Wtf gives you the right.

Then Public Speaking Teacher.
There were no restrictions on powerpoints ever. If there was, they would have stated. Suddenly out of the blue our ad-junct teacher emailed our class rep some "rules". She wants the first slide with the "title, purpose statement, and central ideas." Then comes the big fucking blow. "Make sure that you have no more than 10 slides per person." No one in the fucking world had powerpoint slides limit before. This 'rule' wasn't even from the subject leader.
For those who've seen the PPTs that I've learnt to do should know my style fucking well. And I'm proud of it, I do good work when it comes to PPT. That is like the one thing in life I can be arrogant about (other than I'm a decent gamer). And my style consists of a shit load of number of slides. So what? It works.
I had 30 slides in my powerpoint sketched out into a true PPT, just left for arrangement.
For you-who-have-not-seen-my-ppts, you claim it's ridiculous. But I beg you to hold your tongue before you piss me off, because you are you-who-have-not-seen-my-ppts and that means you have no right to say anything.
And 10 slide is fucking ridiculous. 1 slide for her requests, 1 slide for content page. 8 slides left. What about all the section headers about what you have to say? A single page for a quotation you ask us to quote? Even my friend's awesome-P2-like PPT is more than 10 fucking slides. Wtf is wrong with you, Ms-Adjunct-Staff?

Now my mother's mahjiong kaki.
She sms'd my mother's phone. "Got mj at 7pm."
I told her "My mum forgot to bring her phone to work."
She replied. "I know i got told to her at ntuc. u just inform her thks."
Fine. I didn't reply.
Now at 5.30 she sms'd my mother's phone again "Pls inform your mum mj change to 6pm thks."
It's fucking 5.30, and my mother is still at work = there's no way in hell she can make it home by 6pm. Plus, should she make it on time, she'll have no time to eat, bath and stuff before she plays right? And my mother didn't bring her fucking phone, how the fuck am I supposed to inform her to get her fucking mahjiong-loving-ass home by 6pm? Do I look like I'm telepathic?
I replied "you do realise she's still at work?"
She said, with full of attitude in my not-so-good-mood-interpretation "i know. when she reach home just tell her thks." It's fucking 5.30 and she's not even off work, you think my mother's teleportic? At this fucking rate, you can tell her "mj at 6" into her own face when she comes home.
My mother just called me via public phone at 5.40 to tell me there was a cockup at work. Nice right? Now it's 6pm and she just told me she'll be buying dinner. So bitches, who are always late, I hope you come here before my mother. Cause you'll be saying hi to her outside my house. NO fucking way I'm letting you in cause when you want to be a bitch, I'll be a bigger one. Wtf can you say now?

It's a Love Story, baby just say Yes

2009-01-16T00:54:00.001+08:00

I know.

What's the point of these short and almost-non-existant post?

Prove is.

There's so many things locked inside me. Yet nothing I can say.

# 273

2009-01-12T22:01:00.001+08:00

And just because she comes off strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying. And even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe just maybe she's really good at lying.

# 273

2009-01-12T22:01:00.000+08:00

And just because she comes off strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying. And even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe just maybe she's really good at lying.

What's Wrong?

2009-01-04T01:18:00.001+08:00

Nothing.

09

2009-01-01T00:07:00.002+08:00

New Year.

No more gloomy post for Veron. But I doubt that counts as a resolution.

As usual, I have none.

But a message here,
I fell in love with the outgoing you, the talkative, self-entertaining, the ~~hardworking~~ (misconception LOL) you.
I pray that you won't change, won't conform to me.

Happy '09.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T23:06:00.001+08:00

Thanks baby, for celebrating with me this Christmas <3

What?

2008-12-18T19:18:00.003+08:00

Broken Promise by *Micchu

If I could ask you:
What colour is your love?

Black - Something dirty, something selfish, something as obstinated as the colour black.
Pink - Something vibrant, something gentle, something as sweet as the colour pink.
Red - Something passionate, something strong, something as emotional as the colour red.
White - Something pure, something innocent, something as easily tainted as the colour white.

What shape is your life?

Circle - Like reincarnation, like karma, like something as infinite and unending as a circle.
Triangle - Like man and woman, like strength, like something as defined and differently angled as a triangle.
Square - Like shelter, like limitations, like something as stable and secure as a square.
Pentagram - Like wholeness, like transfiguration, like something as mysterious as a pentagram and all it stands for.

My love is White. To me, love is something innocent. You can call me naive, but love always starts out white. Be with between parent and child or man and women (the woman being plural is intentional). Then the expectations and betrayals heaps on and it's colour changes. Sometimes love from mother to child becomes silver, becomes selfless. Sometimes love from man to woman becomes black, becomes possessive. But what matters most isn't the colour you deem it to be, but what you deem the colour to be. A love can be black, pure black, and instead of being evil and ugly, it can be something stable, something not easily affected by others and something strong, that can stand time and weather.

My life is Circular. It bears karma, what you did before and what will happen to you after. Not only from yourself but from what your parents did and will do. It's law of effect is something infinite and unending. It also is a circle that separates us from man and god, from parent and child, so that the boundery is so clear, and can never be opened.

I wish my love, and my life would be otherwise. I wish my love could be black, that I could be as selfish as others so as to prove to them I love them, instead of having them tell me they think I don't want them enough. I wish my life could be triangular, could be as strong as the pillar my mother is, and so as to not bear the karma my father would bring down on me.

- - - - - - - - - -

I wonder, through the whole nature or nature argument, was I born a coward, or raised like one.

I told some of the people close to me about the problems at home. They gave me answers, but I dare not use them.

Pray, CY said.
'Sif praying will be useful. 'Sif praying will get him to wake the hell up. I told her, every time he prays at his alter in his room, I'm outside of his room praying. I pray to the God he prays that it'll grant him some kind of enlightenment, some kind of revelation, after so many years in his life and so many 'last' chances he used. 'Sif his praying or my praying moved the heart of Gods, or that mind of his.

No, D said.
How do you say "no" to your own sire (archiac word meaning 'father' in case you have to ask like D did LOL). How do you tell him once you give him your money, you know it's not coming back. I know, he has never raised me with a single cent in his life, but I still feel the obligation to give my money (which isn't mine if you want to go down to the root of it) to him. How do you tell your father "no", when your mother has spent the last 20 years (even before you were born) trying to make him listen - and failing up till now?

Don't give him anymore, tell him to fuck himself, tell him to work for his own money, J and S said interchangably. I don't have anymore, unless I dig out more for him. But if I don't, who else will be borrow from? He's exhausted my mother, he took from her family, now he's taking from his daughter. If I don't give him anymore, who else can he turn to. Loansharks? Then the next time it won't be our neighbour getting sprayed. It was like an omen, where the loansharks my neighbour borrowed from sprayed on our side of the wall. I had to stare at the name they written, and the unit number, before I could calm myself down. I don't want it to happen to us, not to my mother who will pay for him his debt.
I'll give him all I have, my piggybank (LOL), my savings, my phone to sell, my jewelleries (yes, real diamonds) if what they are worth, can wake him up for real.

I feel choked every day that we sit down and eat lunch together. Felt of sick of the food he made, felt myself questioning him in my heart over every thing he does, that I'm sure I'm suffering from indigestion from all this discomfort. I feel filled up to the brim, not with food, but with questions. Questions that swell up to my chest, but will never get out of my mouth.

This is why I'm a coward.
I have so much to say in self defence, that if I anger him, alone in the house, who knows if I'll make it out with my face not-rearranged. That if I question him now, with my money in his hands, will he deem it as my selfishness.

Then this cowardice turns to guilt, and it plagues me over and over and over. Then I wish my mother would do something about it instead of running away. I know she might read this some day, but we're the same, you and I, I learnt from you your cowardice. Then this anger towards her turns into more guilt, and it swamps me and drowns me in my own turmoil.

It's been 18 years as their child. I know what happens. I know this never ending cycle. Sure, it's finally altered its path, but maybe this circle of the borrowing > opening new stall > failing > silent treatment > borrowing more > opening another stall turned into an oval instead of circle, it still hasn't changed.

And seriously, I want to make it different this time around.

But I'm so damn scared.

And it's eating me alive.

Shhh. We're Conspiring

2008-12-07T23:04:00.002+08:00

Defeat by ~Enslavedbymetal

Against you.

You killed me Over and Over again..

2008-12-02T20:32:00.006+08:00

Dead again... by ~Haleluya

Have hope, Sean said.
And get disappointed again, I replied.
It's like trying to live, and dying again.

Alot of things have changed. Now that I think about it. I wonder, when have they changed? Have the people, us, or our feelings, changed?

It's not fun playing with Dyss anymore. I think he started changing after starting to organise raids. He wasn't like this before. He was shameless, a little, conceited. But he was never an ass. Now he is. Could be him, could my feelings of him/for him. Somehow everything he does rubs me off the wrong way.

On the other hand, I'm really close with Ced right now. Always psting each other non-stop while playing. I blame it on the fact that since Ben is gone now, we're like only left with each other. Hah, but the chicken is funny. And we haven't stepped on each other's tails yet. It also helps that we have the same view at the moment.

Vented with Sean and Kim that night. It was funny. Sean's voice is a little dead, but ok otherwise. And his laughter a little scary, but it sounds true. ^^' I hope one day he and Ced can finally get along. Ohoh and Ced has vent too. Shocking. I really need to get a mike now D:

Kim has been talking about Marz lately again. That son of a bitch. Me and Latz would like to introduce his balls to his face. Pardon my crudeness. Cheating = Ultimate Sin. I told her to be like me. To cut off all ties, so that if you miss him or even want him back, you have no choice but to suffer. She said she liked pain, but that, even for her, was too extreme.

Oh. Today ran 2 heroics with hito. Sean finally gets to meet him. A-ha-ha-ha. But hito was making fun of everyone as usual. He kept asking me how I could stand being with people in ely. I'm used to it. I'm used to it, I said. But am I? Then again, what choice do I have? Unlike Ian, will Jason actually want to take me away with him?

Sean says my feelings might be mutual. But I don't. Have hope, he said again. But I won't.

I'm need some high self-esteem, OB wise. Because at this rate, I'm just chipping away into pieces.

We did Sartharion and Archavon that day. With great success, and not raid-filled. It was... fine. Latz got his T7 Gloves and so did Dyss. I told dyss I had Enchant Gloves - Armsman. Then he just told Ced he want stam kits. I was like "Wow, you're lazy. Just go farm the mats." And he got all righteous on me. Rofl. "I've thought through it already. Threat and Parry isn't very good.. blahblah". Down boy, I wanted to say.

So we did Naxx today. 7man instead of 10. Wiped, wiped and wiped somemore. Arg dies, Bell goes Eury got silenced didn't she. Arg runs out of range, Bell goes Eury should move up with him. WHAT THE FUCK DO I LOOK LIKE I'M DOING BOYA? I need to stop, stand and cast a fucking 2.3 seconds heal. DO YOU THINK I CAN HELP IT WHEN ARG DECIDES TO RUN OFF AT 2s into my cast? Eaz dies, Arg dies and it's nothing wrong. Probably still eury's fault?
We managed to kill it once Chris came back from his part-time job. All Dyss did was /cheer Arg. What about us, me and eaz, who probably had the most difficultly and put in the same effort, if not more?

The three of them are annoying. It's a consented thought between us "lesser-wower". They and their "Omg I'm so pro" attitude. They just woke up and at least 4 hours before raid and they are already like "Oh this fight is so easy I don't know why we couldn't do it that day." Irritated the hell out of me I decided to off guild chat till they finished yakking.

Oh when we were at Maenaxx. It got even more irritating (not counting the number of times we wiped). I got webbed and tossed to the far end of the wall. Then bell went screaming in his "I-am-holier-than-thou-so-I-have-to-type-properly-way":
"Stand behind the boss.
Stand behind the boss.
Not behind and to the right.
Stand behind the boss.
Where were you standing when you got webbed?"
Dude. I WAS BEHIND THE BOSS. I was too busy to reply. Then the darnest thing happened. HE got webbed and tossed to the far end of the wall. AHAHAHAHA. Then he typed "Well, I suppose it doesn't matter." R.O.F.L. "Smartass," I whispered Ced.

We finally did that bitch spider and they wanted to do Patchwerk. Raid was finally filled up to 10 man. I wanted to say no. God I was sick, in pain, and tired. Healing isn't easy. Especially everyone goes AFK but you. Vel was asking if we had enough DPS. Bell was like "Definately. If we include Liq." He claimed he had over 2000 DPS. LOL. He even said he might be close to 3000DPS. LOL. I pasted in raid, out of anger, the maex fight's DPS. He was top, surely, but he was only doing 1900+ DPS. LOL. Then he said "Maenexx had alot of interruptions" LOL. So I fasted overall data's DPS. He was pulling 2300DPS. LOL. 3000? Go try it on a baby.

As we were heading for patchwerk, people (dyss included) was DCing on and off. I told Ced about how pain it was suddenly. Ced told me to stop, to rest. I said I didn't want. If not dyss will do the "Eury doesn't want to continue anymore" and make it sound like I'm the only cause of a disband. So what if I am, you don't have to say it. LOL.
Out of the blue, Dyss asked me if I was ok. I asked him why, he said Ced told him I had fever. Then he said I should have told him. Wtf? I've been ragging about how pain my low abdomen was the whole day. I even said I was heating up. I told him "You didn't see doens't meanI didn't say". And he just said sorry and went on.
You noticed I didn't say I was ok? I noticed he didn't even care. I asked Ced why he go tell Dyss. Ced said so we can stop and you can rest (How sweet <3).>

Then I asked, so what did dyss say? You noticed he didn't ask ME if I wanted to stop ya? Ced said "he say cont? since server going down in 30 minutes anyways." Kim said: Chooses guild progress over you. Cept they didn't progress at all. Durng the 30 minutes all they did was DC/AFK/Wait wait and more waiting.

Dyss is always like his. High in his autocracy.

Once he asked where we wanted to go. I said I need Hos and Oculus, so I wanted to go there. Then out of the blue he said VH ok? I said HoS and Oculus. I need the acheivement. He asked again. VH then HoS then Oculus ok? When no one replied him, he even raid warning us. DUDE IF I HAVE NO CHOICE IN IT, DON'T FUCKING ASK ME. Of course they went to VH, went to Oculus then they decided to stop. Not caring about Ver's tailor pattern at all. Cheers.

Same thing happened in UP. Worse this time. They wanted to do the achievement. Which involves fighting a boss + another mob called the abomination. Dyss wasn't def-cap when he asked "Do you want to try to do the achievement?" He was squishy. Even a boss can 1shot him. He thinks that the one who will be stressed durng that attempt is him?
Bell: Yeah
Ver: No
Bell: I want my protodrakeT^T
Ver: Heal it yourself then
Dyss: So we do the achievement ok? (There he goes~ There he goes again~)
Ver: I said no.
Dyss: o_o
Dyss: I'll pull the abomination after I pull the boss ok?
Dyss: going
And he went. And he pulled. Me psting Ced "Wtf?" Ced told me to let him die. Me: "I not so bad." Then these idiots were trying and fucked up the achievement cause bellar killed it. There was another one in the room. Bell said "Grab another one?" This time dyss went "Eury doesn't want to do the achievement."
I got pissed.
OH, so you're saying you saw that I said no, yet you didn't care about what I said? Then you decided after failing once not to do it again and then use my name as shelter?
Ced pst: lOl he use your name
I got so pissed I just scolded him "Fuck you." in party chat. And for the first time in my WoW left that day, I left in the middle of a run.

I finished it in the end when I came back though.

What's wrong with us?

Round and Round and Round

2008-11-23T10:16:00.002+08:00

What has he done?

Who will be next?

When will he stop?

Why does he not?

Where will he go?

How?

Your debt is my burden.
Their pity is my shame.

Oh My Satan!

2008-11-19T08:15:00.002+08:00

It's been so funny in WoW for the past three days.

The Epic time we had in Utgarde Keep with Hito, Vel, Dyss, Me and Jerk (who was virtually not talking). Hito kept doing crazy stuff getting us killed. But what's a little fun right?

And after when we all went our ways to Plvl, we still stayed in party and Vel (whom I convinved to lvl his mage instead of his priest, so we can both be happy and play together) was so funny.

It was worst yesterday. When I came home, I dialled up Dyss to hurry in. I literally QQ stormed into the phone about how desperately I needed to level cause everyone else was leveling beyond us. I went in, Vel was like "Hi eury" then he started QQ storming too. LOL.

He wanted to take Annual Leave for WoW. Thael recommended Med Leave. Aren't we all insane!? We scolded Bell and Arg to not type in Gchat cause it was pretty much making me QQ.

Oh, Latz was funny too. Vel and I keep ragging on how stupid he is to fight against 6 people and get a dislocated shoulder.

Plus, Vel seems anti-christ. LOL So is Blizz. There's this quest [A Fall from Grace] where you talk to this NPC, and then he'll emo and he'll walk out of the chapel to the clift and JUMP. Yes, he suicided. LOL.

Ced was like: OMFG the abbot jump from the cliff.
I was like: No heaven for him then, suicide = sin.
Vel was like: Did he go OH CATCH ME JAYSUS.
Rofl..

Then when I jumped not so lately after I right clicked my own [Levitate] buff and droped right and died. So I was like "Shit, I killed myself." Vel was like "No heaven for you then!"

He started talking about where does that come from in the bible, Then he said he can't find his bible, but his satanic bible is on his bed side table. LOL. He said in the satanic bible, stupidity = sin.
Me: OMG, Vel you're a sinner in both bibles!
Latz: She got you good.

Fun times. Even thought I was QQing over several bullshit quests.

OH. And Vel loves Coke. YAY. Another coke lover. He was like "Diabetes here I come!"
Made me ROFL.

And Latz linked me this really stupid Jap Macdonalds stuff on Msn.
And said
"That is the end of your sanity."
LOL. Which is true. The vid was so ridiculously insane I can't keep my eyes off it.

Basically all our WoWers are insane.
Bell said "I just like to lord the fact that we have no lives over you."
I can't understand why Bell types with, like, perfect punctuation marks. Always start with Caps (I do that too most of the time), perfect grammar (holy mummah) and perfect punctuations (I gave up typing my . but he does , too). Freaky.

Kimmy finally gave up waiting on Marz and decided to level with us. YAY. I don't know what's wrong with Marz nowadays but... yeah.

There's big soap opera dramas in WoW too and we're like a big bunch of goons stcking together now.

Friday's Ben's Chalet. I KEEP FORGETTING until Bashi was psting me about it. I miss you in WoW, Ben, you hear me?! Come back!

I feel bad cause Me and Dyss are like pangsehing Cedric but idk he seems to be anti-us too. That day was just one of his good-mood days.

SHIT. It's 8.34am and I have my Impromptu Speech at 9.00am!

Wish me luck~

PS: Wo ai ni, baby.

It's More Than That, I Swear

2008-11-14T07:38:00.002+08:00

I know last night whoever that talked to me I pretty replied with "Don't talk to me now unless you have a Wrath of the Lich King to sell me."

Then I logged off my comp and went to bed and QQed to sleep. Literally. While my cousin was still in my house, but I just didn't have the mood to entertain her anymore. I went to bed, pull the covers over my head and stoned there until I slept.

It's not about the game that I was pissed over. Not really.

I'm not that addicted that a few days of lack of WoW will kill me. And thing is, I still CAN WoW, just that I won't be seeing any Wrath stuff and I won't be leveling.

Just that being inside on Azeroth or Outlands while everyone else in your F list (and today, even your guild) will be in Northrend, makes me have this flashback of reality.

My breakdown was Due.

You realise when you're broken down somehow, mentally or physically, and you foresake everything, you'll be essentially stuck. Like if I place it in wow terms,what I just said where you're in Outlands, un-levelable, and everyone else will be 80.

You know, I had finally caught up in life, after those period of 'cementation'. I picked myself up, worked hard, caught up. And now it feels like I'm stepping into cement again.

It's like, I was mentally prepared not to play wow. And in a sense, someone came to me and made me change my mind. So I was prepared to pay the price. I slaved 2 days without touching WoW (which is a big feat for me) so I could finish up my work so I wouldn't neglect them when wrath comes.

Then God's joke slapped into my face - No Stock.

Just felt betrayed somehow, like all my hard work was for nothing. And while everyone is leveling in WoW and you're essentially helpless without Wrath, it felt like De Ja Vu, but in WoW version. Doesn't make it less hurtful.

I climbed back up.

I ran and caught up.

I fell and died again.

Don't Ask Me

2008-11-12T19:31:00.002+08:00

So like.

I bought Wrath of the Lich King.

And like.

Gerie is coming back to SG on 5 December.

This morning I was on the verge of another breakdown. The first thing I said when I woke up, I shouted "I don't wannna go to school." Of course, I wasn't 5 years old, so I got up to do what I had to do.

Still, I'm glad I logged on and then hito talked to me.
Along the lines I complained about school (as usual)

(8:23 AM) EuryĿeia >> Pain: Ugh jasssson I dun wanna go to schoooooooool
(8:24 AM) EuryĿeia >> Pain: helpppppppp
(8:24 AM) Jason: hey, who wants to go to school, i didn't want to when i woke up haha
(8:24 AM) Jason: GO TO SCHOOL!
(8:24 AM) EuryĿeia >> Pain: I will
(8:24 AM) EuryĿeia >> Pain: 8hours today
(8:24 AM) Jason: true, you will i'm sure you would
8:24 AM) Jason: i had 8 hours today too
(8:24 AM) Jason: well *cough cough*
(8:24 AM) Jason: i skipped the last class, liek the rest of the people in ym classs lol

I laughed. I was so happy that he had 8 hours of school like I would, I felt like I could be closer to him. Then he told me he skipped the last class. Then I laughed. Jason?! Skip class?! He made me want to go to school, to live what he lived for at least a few hours. Then he told me "You work hard :p" and I went to school and did!

So much for "I'm pretty much over him" to Kim when she told me Hito came online in WoW. Lols. Then he has to talk to me and make me fall all over him again. It was as if the awkwardness was gone. Like it never existed between us at all.

Still. I find it hard to be here, physically, when my heart's there.
I told Kim
"I wanna be there with you.
I wanna be able to call you up in the middle of the day.
I wanna be able to message you every night and every morning sweet nothings.
I wanna be able to hold your hand or hug you to sleep.
I wanna be anywhere but here."

Of course she ROFLed and said "You just don't wanna be in class." XD.
But these are the words I feel like saying to Jason, to Gerie my love.

How am I gonna go on living in Singapore, when my heart's not here?

Full of Contradictions

2008-11-08T00:35:00.002+08:00

I feel like he doesn't need me anymore.

And it hurts.

I know I'm the type that needs to be needed.

And it's disappointing to myself.

I guess I just want to give up everything.

And it'll be over.

Barthilas or No Barthilas?
Or just quit wow altogether?

CY: YES, quit!

Klown

2008-11-04T20:22:00.003+08:00

I've always been paranoid. Always full of doubts of people's every words, every action, behind their every tone and intentions.
Then on the other hand, I'm as gullible as a 6th year old.
I've alway been a little melodramatic. Felt that life was dull and boring, and raised hell and heaven and created a little soap opera out of my own life.
Then on the other hand, I've been part of other's little drama show.

I was trying to work up a mad while thinking of what to write in this post. But I've been lost them all in one moment. I have two documents in My Received Folders containing chat logs pasted into documents. Things that wasn't supposed to be seen by me anyways. I have more than two documents registered in my brain. Things that wasn't supposed to be heard by me anyways.

There's so many of them. So many of you people who make it hard for me to even so much as breathe around you.

I've always hung at home, stay within my little world, because I hated being someone other than me. When we're out, we are supposed to cover up their physical flaws, with makeup and fancy clothes. We're supposed to cover up our personality flaws, with smiles and nice words. It's a living and breathing masquerade with invisible masks and hidden daggers underneath the folds of their skirt. Virtual world isn't that much of a sanctuary from all the false charm and peelable pretenses.

I hated having to pretend to people that I was happy.
Why? So that I could make them just a little happier too?

Both of the chatlogs in my folder broke my heart. Sure, one of them was from a long time ago. But I'm still bearing the scars, and pretending it's not there. I see him wake up from his sleep, to tell me he's going to school and I have to pretend I have no more feelings for him, and tell him 'k, bye' and tell him 'gl for ur quiz'.

Another was recent, too recent not to affect me everytime I choose to open and see it. You lied. I always thought you were the kind of person who would be the least to pretend that everything was alright. But in an essense you put on your smiling mask, smiled at me and literally swamped me with bullshit. I don't care for your reasons behind your doings. White lies are still lies. Unintended murders are still homicide.

Leaving a place when an event was said to be over = a stunt? You haven't even seen me in action. And you said this after you told me stuff, stuff that indicated you understood my reason for leaving the said event. You havent even seen me boycott your event, and you called it an 'unreasonable stunt'. It's fine, it's fine that way.

I gave them to you. Maybe it was within my own paranoia thinknig of what kind of stuff you would say to them about me or whatever bullshit you're so good at, I gave them to you. I realise now that's what I'm best at, leaving people to people. Like with Louis, now aka Klown. You said you did it for us, that we complained you didn't organise stuff. But we stayed didn't we, stayed where you were and waited. Whether we believed in you or not, I do not know. But we stayed and we waited.

Now you accuse us of not appreciating when you organise stuff, "just come and join without even saying thank you." I guess "Thx for the invite" meant nothing, so your "Yeps. Thx for coming" meant nothing either?

We weren't even blaming you for people not turning up. Have you turned your own guilt upon yourself and blamed it on us for blaming you? All I was blaming was your choice to choose to wait. I don't give a flying fuck that I wasn't alone. You could tell a poor begger, you think you're the only one who doesn't have food? The beggar also won't give a flyingfuck that he wasn't the only one. But it wasn't my choice to wait. It was yours. It wasn't my choice to wait. It was theirs. If it was someone you didn't like, like C, you would have said "Don't make 8 people to wait for you.". What made it different? It wasn't my choice, but I waited with you, waitd with the rest of the people who waited too. I don't care if you're kind, I don't care if I'm a bitch. But you dont get to say I blame you for him not turning up.

Like I said in my previous post, I said I understood the difficulty in organising events when the number of people and their schedules are all so different. But you don't get to fuck us for the "headache you have to go through". Once I held RL for 5 seconds and you told me to toss it over. Jesus, no one wants your "all so sacred" position. You've established your position yourself haven't you. No delegations, no whatsoever while we stood there silently and waited for you. What the hell did you think we were there for? To collect badges and loot? Oh yes, of course, we're that shallow. I forgot, we ARE that shallow. We stood by you, so if you had any problems or headaches we would be there to help you think. Or rather, think with you. But you underestimated our friendship, or worse, us, and took it all on yourself. So you don't get to blame us for the burden you bear, you don't get to bitch about it, cause you wouldn't let us help.

And the standard killing line : If you're not happy, do it yourself.
We're not happy. We're just sad and disappointed in you that you'd think about all these things of us, of me.
I have a standard line too : If you're not happy, don't do it.

"If you're not happy, tell me, I'll leave."
And yes, that's the best I'm at. This time I wont say you've driven me away, I'll tel the world I chose to leave.

I've always thought he was the best, he was the only one who would be there, despite me being me. I still think that way, but we all have our limits. I don't want to break his. I don't want to break mine either.

Girl why do you do that to me. You know who I was, and that part of me will never change. Why do you toy with my feelings, telling me about the ones you have, and giving it to all the other people who will only be a name.

Boy you ask me all these questions, and I have no answer for you. Stories you told me are so different from the others I've heard. I had to doubt you, but I do, yet I really don't. But you see I don't wish to step into this matter, I don't wish to get shot and hanged like a criminal because it's been done so many times.

Friend I thank you for smsing me first. I've missed how we were together. And even that is a long distant memory. I won't ask for the same, cause I was the one who left, but I want part of it back. And one day, I'll bring up the courage to do it first.

H you'll never see this in your life. But I will. I had so many things to say to you once upon a time, but it's like we lost our flare. Have we changed? Or have ~~our~~ my feelings?

While you were using me, who were you thinking about?

Breaking the Limit

2008-11-02T22:03:00.002+08:00

We are all liars, because
The truth of yesterday
becomes a lie tomorrow,
Whereas letters are fixed,
and we live by the letter of truth.
The love I feel for my friend, this year,
is different from the love I felt last year.
If it were not so, it would be a lie.
Yet we reiterate love! love! love!
as if it were a coin with fixed value
instead of a flower that dies,
and opens a different bud.'Lies About Love' - D. H. Lawrence

When two people quarrel, each of them think they're right. Hell, the both of them could be wrong on all manner of things, but they still think they're right.
Me? I know I'm wrong, but I sure as hell won't admit it.

It's be a tiring day. From morning till night my nose has been going 'ah choox3' every minute. When my nose starts itching, my eyes start itching. I blame my dad. You know, you figure two 50 year old inviduals would know how far to carry their childish cold war, but no. My dad decided to cook me Instant Noodles cause my mother didn't feel like buying lunch and left for work. Then he got crazy and dug out all his clothes from their closet and moved them over to my sister's vacant room (which he has been living in for almost 4-5 months now). He even moved his praying altar, and kept his door locked. Why? Cause last night when my mother finished mahjiong, and I was already asleep, he stepped out of his room, my mother ran into hers to 'feign sleep'.

We were supposed to Kara+ZA today. I got both of my 100 badge leggings on my Mage and my Pally. Was looking forward to Piewpiewing or Tanking both of them with Dyss. I like playing with Dyss. In fact, I love playing with him. I know that I can count on him and that he knows what he's doing.

But people didn't turn up. And others were like saying they didn't wanna do it at that moment and stuff. Ok, fine. I pugged a Kara. Me and Dyss + PuGs anyways. First one, the tank was in GREENs. and Fuck me he couldn't hold aggro at all. Usually when a geared tank tanks, he has no OffTank. But this tank is a ONE tank and has no Offtank either. Bad-Bad-Bad. Before the first boss pull, me and the pally died twice each (top 2 dps) plus a few others, healers included. So we left before we could be saved to it. Got picked up by another whole guild run. It was...Decent. But the tank was a dick still, and NO ONE could hold aggro off this No-Burning-Soul-No-Salvation-Fire-Mage. Even with vigilance up, I'm still a bloody aggro whore. So I died and died and died lol. Even if I do nothing and just STAND there, somehow the mobs are attracted to me. (Exaggeration).

So kara finished, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I bathed uber quick so I could make it for ZA on time. Or rather so no one would need to wait for me to come on time. Others were uber late. Some came at 7.10, some came at 7.20, and one never turned up at all. Dyss was 'waiting' for Bang. I was tired as hell, with my nose and felt like a fever was running. I had to put eyedrops to keep my eyes open, pop panadol to keep my nose sane and pop more panadols to keep my head from pounding mercilessly. But I went into attendance. I didn't want people to not be able to do their ZA cause their OT decides to sleep.

So we waited. 7pm-7.20pm... 8pm.. Bang wasn't here. I hinted to dyss not to wait. Harry was there with his Wife to take over bang's and dev's position. But dyss didn't care. Too happy dueling? 8.10pm he announced there was no ZA after all. Took him 1hour 10min to announce it. And in a raid group u pretty much can't do anything but stand there and rot. Yes they were occupied killin allies. But me and Rox stood in shatt and /emote at each other for 1h10mins. Rox who haven't had his dinner cause he was waiting for ZA. Told Dyss there's harry and all he said is "wait for bang."

I was tired, grumpy, and bitter. Yes, the previous event got on my nerves. They wouldn't wait 10mins for me to bath for heroics. They wait 1h10mins for bang who didn't even bother to notify if he's caught up or busy or whatever? Thanks. Thanks alot, my 'friend'.

He had the gall to pst me "PFFT! AnGRY AR!". 'Yes, Yes I am', I replied. He had alot of reasons, millions of them that made me weary to argue, but I did anyways.

"We have to wait for Bang"
"Why?"
1. Kim solo heal ZA without Bang?
- Unless I PUG, which he said himself. Then why not?
There was Harry, who had a healing priest
- "But Harry wanted to Tank, I asked him"
Then let him tank?
-"But if Harry came, his Wife will have to come also?"
Come lor. We have two space right?
- "We do?"
There was no Dev (which I asked him if he found a replacement for Dev, which he said no.) There was no Bang. So doesn't 1+1 = 2? He got speechless for a while. Then more crap reasons.
- "Well, Harry wants to tank"
Then let him tank? He can tank with me(on ravyn), dyss(on mira) and kim heal. He could tank with xay, me (on eury) and kim heal. There are much much more variations. We all have alts and mains. I felt like he just didn't want to not do it without bang. Surely, correctme if I'm wrong.
-"Well, I didnt want to ask you to heal, cause I wanted to let you piewpiew."
I was supposed to offtank. I was nvr supposed to piewpiew anyways.
- "Well, I'll go spec my Druid healnig then"
Forget it. Just forget it, really. I told him IDC, we can do it anotehr day, with Bang or whatever he wants. Wait, HE can do it another it or whatever he wants. I'm done waiting. I feel exhausted. Not only physically or mentally. It was a WoW form of exhaustion. We're always waiting for the tank(bashi) to move on, waiting for spots to fill, waiting for Rev to finishing farming his honor, waiting for bang to come online, waiting for dyss to eat his lunch, wiating for kim to finish her afk. And the one time that I asked people to wait forme, they simply didn't. Sure if they needed me on Eury they waited their hearts out. But DPS like perse is simply replaceable so poof replace me.
- "Well, Harry is going to bed"
I didn't bother to reply him. WoW Congrats? You don't have to rack your brain anymore, assuming you did rack it to try to run the ZA. I know. It's hard to form a Raid and stuff especially when people simply are not on, you're not that driven into running it since Wotlk is coming out. But there are people waiting. Seriously waiting for it to happen. We're not driven ino running it to, btu we were here for you, to back you up incase u decided to run it. If you didn't need us after all, tell us now ya? But don't make us wait for hours, then tell us it's not happening.

Don't do it to me, cause I don't do it to you.

Now You Know

2008-10-29T07:37:00.002+08:00

This was supposed to be a post about dreams and aspirations and ambitions or whatever all the terminologies to explained that a person knew what what his place in life, and to strive to achieve it.
It's been going around alot lately. "So, what are you going to do after you finished poly?" or "What's your plan in life". Had a little disagreement with Hito (yes I'm talking to him again, but barely) about plans and dreams and the terrifying word called Future.
No. I have none, whatever the thingo above is called. But, I like it this way.

So yesterday while I was bathing, I suddenly thought of my ex. DunDunDun.. It was a casual string of thoughts. More like memories really. Then I asked myself, "Why are you thinking of him now?" But, it didn't hurt to think of him. These are not "hard words" that my mother claimed I'm saying or trying to put on a brave front. I'm glad that that part of my life is over, just that sometimes there are triggers that make me think of him. But hell, isn't that normal? I think of Sebastian, of Andrew, of others too.

With that thought in mind, and running late, I rushed out, flew across the bridge and ran after the bus. I did the -might not be stupidest, but it is hilarious- thing in my life. I boarded the wrong bus. I took 21 (that was the bus to go to his house - or to my mother's work place) and landed at bedok reservoir before I recovered. And essentially missed school.

Dyss called me to chat with me while I did the whole lonely walk home thingo. He wouldn't stop teasing me about Bus 21. Ha-Ha -___- .. We chatted for god damn hours. And I'm so sorry dyss, I forgot to trick or treat until 6+pm ><'' I blame it on Jason coming over to my house and borrowing my lappy!! (No, not hito that Jason) I told my mummy I want this Jason but she told me he was 40 (WTF he looks 33-35).

Dyss is nice. He's like a total big issue on my mind right now. I swear to god it's nothing pleasant. I feel guilty whenever he's around me. I wonder if I'm doing stuff on purpose, like trying to piss him off so he'll stop being nice. But I don't know what I'll end up doing either when he finally stops. [But I heard what he scolded me after I did my legendary bitching LOL
So.. My above hearing source called me last night. We talked till about .. 11.18. He was like, a bringer of death. When I heard what he told me, I felt pissed off. Enraged. Righteously. Then he switched tact totally and rambled endlessly about his friends.

He asked me about Hito (what?!?) then my ex (wha what?!) because of his own bittersweet romance. He said I have experiance (wha wha what?!)

Sigh. Reaching here I don't want to get into the main issue that kept me up till 3am before I could sleep. As you can see here, I have class at 9. So, someone else called me at 12am. I won't go into details, not heavily or minutely.

It's just. He was always the Nice Guy. I knew he had a streak in him that was carefully polished with his nice-ness that scratches me once in a while when I start being bitchy. (Lol, I also have a streak to bring out the worst emotions in people ><') I could see in him, what he was under all that varnish. But I didn't mind. He was a really good friend to me. Is. And I was proud of him who could mask whatever imperfections he had in him. That's why he felt like -The Perfect Men-.

(I must phrase my words carefully)

But last night he disappointed me. Not only as a woman, but as a friend. I wondered to myself the whole night if my image of him will shatter, and how I'm going to face him everyday henceforth. I haven't come to a conclusion, but I think it won't. But also, I wasn't sure I was disappointed as a friend or as a woman entirely.
Boy, I hope you'll wake up from this obsession with .. You know.
Also, I wonder to myself. What was it you're guilty with. I really really hope it's what you did.

2008-10-17T17:44:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I hate myself.

This Time Crying Doesn't Work

2008-10-15T08:50:00.002+08:00

This Time Crying's Not Enough.
"Perhaps putting on a smile and moving on would be good."

I don't know why he put it. I haven't talked to him since my ex and I broke up. Why? I think he's my ex's comrade now. But his nick made me think, "Did he break up again?" so "Will he patch now? Or does that mean it's the last time?"

Sometimes we can know so much of a person through their msn nick. I should know, I'm the one type of person whose msn nick changes as my mood does - as rapidly and as terrifying. Then there are those, whose nicks never changes. Isn't those kind of people kind of hard to approach? I give openings, with stupid nicks or emo nicks, if you felt like talking to my kind of person you just have to open with "Rofl! Nick nick!" or "What's wrong? =("

But him, a man whose nick never ever ever changes. And a personal message that I've only seen ONCE. How do I talk to him.

I miss him. I haven't talked to him in 16days __hours and __seconds (I can't count). It felt like forever, it felt like I don't know him anymore. In an essence, it's the truth, I know nothing from his never-changing nick.

I told simply everyone that complain that I've never talked to anyone on msn first before. I'm simply not the kind of person that will find someone to 'chat'. I've given up on it. I tried for him, once in a while (normally after the day he complains) I do that, as in say hi! Then I'll rag on how I said hi first today.

But he got angry at me, over the darnest thing - I wouldn't watch the trailer he linked me. Another one of my habits. I don't touch links people link me. I don't listen to songs people send me, even if I accept. I usually just lie through if they ask me, "how is it?".. My answer, "not bad la, but not my type"

Just yesterday he told her he wanted me to talk to him first. He doesn't want to be the one always saying hi. But I can't. Part of me tells me it's better that way. I don't have to talk to him and be all happy and stuff, then the minute he goes to sleep or goes to work, I'll be emo. I might be an emotional wreck about him, but at least I know how emotional I'll be. If I talked to him, what will happen to my heart?

---------

Time for some WoW talk. Yesterday was a dread 12hour maintenance that killed us all WoW players. Ok not all. I went from I'm dying, I'm dead to I'm rotting now I'm revived! I spent the whole nights trying to add up new talent specs and almost died trying. It's like Bliz doesn't want us to get the last tier, and get our other tier goodies. We couldn't get CoH while getting iDS, now we can't even get GS without giving up improved fort. QQ. I chose GS =p.

ohohohohohohohoh.. My new patch download+installation is DONE.

Anyways update. Perse is 70 and slowly gearing steadily (I like!) So Ravyn is QQing in inactiveness again. But I LOVE piewpiewing and topping DPS chart with my pov gear. LOL. But now with the new talents, I'll be like a water can with a hole, my mana will get burnt out like Crrrrazy. Dyss is respeccing frost/arcane. QQ but I love fire. T^T..

I just got conned.. Now it's updating. LOL.

How Much For Sympathy?

2008-10-06T11:08:00.002+08:00

It's been less than 3hours of sleep after a chain of more than at last 36 hours being awake and swamped with SV and Bot (instances) runs on ends then leveling my profession from 1-305 in one night. It was like a roller-coaster ride of excitment (when [Lola's Eve] a BoE World Epic dropped in a 5-man and I won the roll), euphoria (when [Devilshark Cape] finally droped after 10 40mins top speed SV runs), stress (when I had to tank Bot now), disappoiment (when my shoulders that is the only thing keeping me away from Heroics won't drop).

One thing about me, when I decide on something, I go all out on it. Like when I decided to level my Pally, got her to 70, then forsaked her cause I was too lazy to go all out to gear a Tank after the pain of gearing a Heal. Then I decided to level a DPS, went to piewpiew through my Mage, leveling like a freak without rested. Ok, so maybe I only got her to 66 before I decided I wanted to gear my Pally after all.

I wonder why I torture myself with gearing Tanks and Heals when gearing DPS is like... 10000000x easier. Then yesterday I decided to drop my PallyTank-Useless-Blacksmithing with a hard earned level of 230/375 and took up Engineering instead. I spent hours farming the mats instead of buying them off the AuctionHouse, and leveled my Engineering from 1 to 306/375. [Got my Zap_ Mote Extractor at 305!]

Now I just have to level to 350 (which is no small feat) and get my Tank Googles and HEROICS HERE I COME. Of course, earn another 5k Gold for my Pally to get Epic Flying (I don't know why I want to do it. I might not ^^ One Epic Mount is Enough to Kill You. But I really like the [Turbo-Charged Flying Machine]..)

Alright, enough about WoW. Like Gerie says, I think WoW is eating me up. Speak of Gerie, she smsed me at 5am in the morning "go to sleep,veron...." I was like "Holy Shit. Lol. Who are you?" cause I didn't have her Auzzie Number.

From this slack of sleep, I'm not lightheaded, a little on the slow side (I asked my mother "oh you wake up so early ah" when I just watched her get out of bed, wash the rice. I asked this when I saw the rice cooker cooking rice?)

So we were eating, she was telling me about how she pitied this boy whose parents wouldn't allow him to buy the toy. So he picked it up, my mother told him "Boy ah, your mummy said cannot buy." He told her, "I know. I just want to see." and went to a corner and stared at them. Of course her sympathy stirred, also because another boy had came days ago alone, took 3 of them worht $98.20 for all and paid her $100 note. Alone.

So I said I have no sympathy. And she asked me what if this really old+poor man came to me and asked me for a measly $2? I said if I was as poor, did you think I would give him my lunch money? She said what if you're really rich, I'm sure you would give right? My theory:: If you're really rich and to you $2 is like the chinese idiom that "you treat money like dirt(soil?)" so you'd be giving him just dirt (: She /sighed /sighed /sighed.
"What if you're as poor? I'm sure you'll give him your only money right?"
Me: I'm not that brave/courageous/mother-teresa-ish/kind/HEROIC yeah that's the word. Then I said. Plus he's probably dying anyways ^^U..

So How Much is Your Sympathy Worth?

Define inSanity

2008-09-29T11:25:00.002+08:00

I'm driving myself nuts by the minute, no by the seconds.

One ~~minute~~ second I'm gleefully reading my story book, then the second ~~minute~~ second I'm crying over nothing. The crying is so short, like just a tear or two I wouldn't call it crying. Yet so short it is, it won't stop. Because one second I'm ok, the next I'm not.

I'm driving myself insane.

I'm an emotional wreck, and why should I be? Those who had known me had said that I'm living the good life, despite not having the high life anymore, which I hardly yearn but only mourn once in a while. I'm still a pampered brat, not having to work on holidays, being spoonfed with all my meals and just "eat, sleep, play" everyday. What a perfect life that every worm on Earth yearns for. So what am I crying over?

I'm driving myself up the wall.

Is it because I'm missing a man? Would some stringless, loveless sex solve my very almost-bipolar-ishness? Or do I need to go out hunting for someone who would love me for me? Still, this craziness of mine would drive them away. I wonder how Dyss stands me. I can't even bare with myself. I hate myself, for these constant mood swings. And I'm just swinging at everyone around me. Out of the blue I'm a cold hearted snapping bitch when I was just happy one second ago. It's like a phase, that's uncontrollable, like a possession of body and souls. I try to control it. I really do. But it's impossible.

I'm driving myself crazy with all these thoughts.

It's not the loneliness that's killing me. It's being alone in this house, in the room with the door closed by my mother or by myself. I could talk to people, but they're just words on the screen. I could talk to myself, but it only proves my insanity. I think I need some Xannax, some Prozac, a little of antihistamine or all of them combined to knock me out. Some smoke, some wine, or a strong dose of weed. If I could, I would drown myself in coke.

Yes other than I'm currently loveless, my family is falling into pieces and I can't do anything but watch them do absolutely nothing but drift apart, my GPA's falling but that's my own fault, the man I love is oceans away and he will flirt back but won't love me back, my life is perfect.

So why do I cry in the shower? Why do I feel this whole deep dark emptiness which can only flood my heart, but not my mind. I'm painfully aware of the world around me, the world that had forgotten my existance unless once in a while they decide to click the links on their blogs.

I won't call it a black void. We make depression sound so cliche. And while I yearn for company, when I have them I get irritated and foul-mouthed and push them away. Which is why I lock myself up in my room. And this circle keeps going and going and going and going. And I get crazier and more insane and more mentally unstable and whatever the terminology is. I'm driving myself to the brink of insanity. But so close yet so far, I can never cross myself over the border. I want to. At this moment I wish to go completely mad that I would go running stark naked down the streets of Orchard, for even my own house. But I'm too conscious, despite being mentally unconscious of my own emotional state.

So God help me. I'm going crazy, yet I'm not.

Sometimes I think part of the problem relates to ethnicity. We Jews do not have a concept of unconditional love. The God of the Old Testament is judgmental, jealous and vengeful. He gets mad and He gets even. The notion of turning the other cheek, the idea that faith is more important than deeds, these are distinctly Christian concepts. Soem say that the difference between Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt is that the former emanates from the knowledge that we are all born already fallen, that there is nothing we can ever do to overcome the original sin; the latter springs from a sense that every one of us was created in God's image and has the potential for perfection. So Catholic guilt is about impossibility, while Jewish guilt is about an abundance of possibility.
I think of my own possibility. I think of the way it is wasted. The way it will always be wasted because I'm sitting here waiting for someone to love me as is.
- Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Word Search

2008-09-27T11:08:00.003+08:00

I wanted to write about sex somemore. No, to all those who's questions popped up, nothing happened, I didn't got conned of sex or whatever. Jon and I was talking about it, and discussion about it that all these thoughts just popped up.

Jon and I brought up the topic of Sex Buddies. Like I did again today, but not with Ben. I know I said I'm not going to write about sex. But a question. Are you against Sex Buddies?

--------------

I'm sure that the whole world knows that my life revolves around [W]orld [O]f [W]arcraft. Some sad and disappointing and of course pissing off stuffs have happened lately in WoW.

I've been in E l y s i u m for almost the whole of my WoW life, I know it isn't long, but comparatively, the ratio I was in the guild, is 9:1 when I'm not. I knew his reasons for making it. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. And I used it more than anyone else. But I was new, WoW life was too glamorous to be marred. I'm the kind who walked one step at a time (a chinese idiom) that I didn't think about end-game life. That I would be stuck in a guild which is like me in real life - essentially stuck in time-. One that, you can call it showing off, I would call it confidence in my own healing skills, I'm overrated for.

But I stayed in it, despite not believing that he would make it progress although he claims so. Maybe it was due to my insecurities about my skills, about my non-existant raid experiences which he had, so we stayed with him. Yes, it's we now because the numbers of us that are locked in time multiplied to two. I stayed, as I watched people come, people who level themselves up to 70, and watched people go, people who leveled to 70 then decided they wanna raid, thn come again, those that went to soulbound and got guild kicked and crawled back to Ely.

I felt like a God, who was watching as people lived. As I lay unaging in the moment of time, stuck in moratorium. But I also felt like an insect, lured by the bright lights of the money and time we spent on the guild, which mechanics were larger than others, but numbers were few and pathetic. And we all knows what happens to insects when they stay by the light - they burn and die and get wasted.

I'm sure it would have been better, if some of my guildies were any good. I'm sure it would have been even better, if they were not my in real life friends that I have to patronise or drag along some times. I wouldn't be guilty for hating them. I wouldn't be guilty for trying to be selfish the way they are.

I would have been happy playing.

So I blame them. I blame them all.

But when have I ever been happy? Is it even mortally possible?

Here's a page and slightly more from Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation:
Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a handle with care sign stuck ot my forehead. Sometimes I wih there was a away to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I coul throw in the face of a world that said it was all right for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligitions left.
Certainly deceit and treachery in both romantic and political relationships is nothing new, but at one time, it was bad, callous, and cold to hurt somebody. Now it's just the way things go, part of the growth process. Really nothing is surprising. My father had a child that he didn't have too much trouble walking away from; it seems only natural that so many of us have pregnancies that we can abandon even more easily. After a while, meaning and implication detach themselves from everything. If one can be a father and assume no obligations, it follows that one can be a boyfriend and do nothing at all. Pretty soon you can add friend, acquaintance, coworker, and just about anyone else to the long list of people who seem to be part of your life, though there is no code of conduct that they must adhere to.
Pretty soon, it seems unreasonable to be bothered or outraged by much of anything because, well, what did you expect? In a world where the core social unit - the family - is so dispensible, how much can anything else mean?
There is a chill as I think of the way being deprived of normal feelings has the pardoxical effect of turning me into an emotional wreck. As Russian writer Aleksander Kuprin put it: "Do you understand, gentlemen, that all the horror is in just this: that there is no horror!"

Go Down on Your Knees

2008-09-24T19:07:00.002+08:00

I have one fair warning, this post isn't for the closed minded and the under-eighteens, in heart and in body. Jon and I was talking about Love, and of course, about Making Love.

I don't know why everyone around me thinks I'm the Sex Guru or whatever, I'd be grateful if in the future someone finally decides to have sex with a fatty like me /wink. But I'm the kind of person who thinks that Sex and Making Love is something very essentially different. But I also believe you don't need to have a special feeling or bond or chemical reaction, to have sex. Hypocrite? No I'm not, it just makes perfect sense.

Jon was telling me, how hard it was to be able to connect with someone, but the person is like on the other side of the globe. I told him it was God's joke. He told me it was a cruel one. Then we talked about stuff and what love-making was like, if he was over here.

It made me wonder, what kind of love we want to make? Not with him of course, but people as general. Slow and tender? Hot and passionate? Brutal and hard? Is it a perference or a necessity? And is this kind of physical bond so crucial for a relationship (other than if you reject your boyfriend of it your relationship's bound to break apart LOL -sry, I couldn't resist putting this in because I've heard so many of such stories-).

I realised I'm a romantic. If one day you decide to talk about love, or describe about sex (like I wrote in my story X_X) you can find out what kind of person you are. Me? I refuse to write the words like pussy or dick (cept in the part where I raped someone =p). These crude words could never surface in my definition of "love-making". Maybe it's just too much romance novels, but it has to go somewhere on the lines of "She curled her hands around the thick hot length of him" (sorry, I'm not a good sex writer), not "She stroked his dick."

What would your rendition of love making be like?

And if you talk with someone else about it, would he strive in words to pleasure you? Would you strive to give him the same pleasure, like even going down on your knees for him? (And I hope you all know I'm not talking about proposal kind of kneeling down). If you did would he just stand there and let you? Or would he brush gently your hair behind your ears, to watch you slowly as you did? Mind you, these are all WORDS. I'm fully aware that, in real life a man goes stone blind when you strip (quoted from Catherine Anderson's Only By Your Touch =p). And most likely they'll be thinking about the GOAL. But if a man can't even strive to please you in fantasy, would he in Real Life?

Maybe sex should be talked out first. Maybe you'll know what kind of sex he or she wants when you talk about it. Maybe it'll all just come to nothing cept leading the man to sexual frustration WHICH he might solve himself or pay another person to do so.

Here's a page from Marti Leimbacg's Dying Young:
You have to imagine Victor when Victor makes love. He's not Victor. He's someone else whom I might have loved for my whole life. Victor can only make love when he feels love - he can't fake it and he can't do it for some other reason. I've been with people who make love the way that they eat between meals. Victor doesn't have the energy to use sex as a filler. And all those things that add to desire - wanting to see our own body making love to someone else's, the little power struggles, the desire for control or the opportuniy to be controlled - none of these will raise Victor's interest for lovemaking. They are his favourite themes for conversation but Victor's dick just doesn't work the wayhis mind does. It's controlled by something else, something sweet and internal - an inner Victor that I say a glad hello to once in a very long while. Now how can I, in the face of such a frend, remind us both that my life will continue beyond his and wear the precautions against any life he has left to give?

Significance of Us

2008-09-16T20:53:00.002+08:00

First off, I'm going to scream OMG PUSSYCAT DOLLS ARE BACK. Ok, I'm not even sure if they were missing, but they sure as hell are here. Alot of sad song though, hehe.. ^^

"I don't want to fall in love~"

Talk about love. I wonder what's wrong with men these days. Sweet talking, lots and lots of it. I met 2 new guys over the days. One of them was just really sweet, the other one told me "how do you do when you met someone barely an hour and feel like you just connect? but there's a problem, the distance between us." Cause he's in USA and I'm in SG. I told him I know how he felt, but it was towards someone else ^^U. His name is Jon.

I haven't seen him today (:

There are others, and sometimes it makes me smile, but I just think what's wrong with us, what's wrong with us?
Guy: "Where you go?"
Me: "Somewhere >> Why?"
Guy: "Can't you see I miss you?"

Me:"So quiet"
AGuy: "I'm thinking of you."

Me: "Tomorrow really breakfast?"
AGuy: "Just you and me?"
AGuy: "Like a date you know?"

Me: "OMG Come ORG, a CoT Dragon on a rampage!"
H: "You could come over and we could go on a rampage too ;)"

Jon talking about the girls he would like.
Then Jon: "If you were here, I'd definately choose you."

Men. Men. Men. Men.

CY's on her first day in her .. I can't remember what it is. Here's the proof that I'm thinking about you always. I want to do something as sweet as what you're doing for me someday. I'm sorry I always forget to reply your sms, but remember, my heart is with you always girl. Love.

Men are the Sluts

2008-09-09T22:09:00.002+08:00

What men love by ~slay--

They call us Bitches.
They call us the Whores, the Cunts.
But who are they? Men.
Men who sell their bodies, sell their hearts, for sex, for money as much as we do, for anything they would sell their cheap, cheap love.
Men are the Sluts.

I'm not pissed really. Not hard broken or anything. It's just the stunts that "i" is trying to play on me is so blatantly obvious. It makes me think such things. He's like bLuRRy (a person, not the verb) who used me to to help him level in Maple. I did get awarded with an expensive heart earring when he found out I found out he cheated on me (O_o right) but that time out of my young and foolish pride I gave it to his new girl and bought a more expensive skull earrings. (LOL)..

"i" is doing the exact same thing to me.

And others too. You won't be so nice after you're done using me. I don't mind sometimes, as long as they make me feel good or superior or whatever. But he just crosses so many of the lines I set down for myself and others. Where's the commitment, the loyalty, the I'll-stand-for-him/her-till-I-die that you often find in a man of his... his..."beng-ness"?

On the other hand I miss H.

I didn't on my laptop for a few days, deciding to save my electricity. I forgot it was his weekends so he'd be online more. It's a step isn't it? Forgetting about him. Well, for a period of time anyways. It seems like he talked to me, and I never saw so he told someone else to come and yelll at me. Today I decided to on my computer again. He couldn't sleep last night. Took a page out of his book and told it it was cause I wasn't there. Hehe .. He said "maaaybe :o"

I realised how helpless I was, miles away, hours away, even days away from him. Before he went to work last night (this time, it's my night) he talked to me. I told him it was raining, a cold night for a country like mine. He said last night it rained for him too. Where we by chance for a fraction of a second experiencing the same thing? Even if it wasn't at the same time.

When he tells me to "come down here" it doesn't help.

It's times like this that makes me think of my ex sometimes. Very rarely, but there non-the-less. Is it love if you still think of someone sometimes? Or it is not love because you won't make an effort to fight for him?

I miss H.
I wonder what he is doing, does he even think of me sometimes? I wonder if I'll dream of him, as he ritually wishes me "sweet dreams when you sleep <3">

As for my girl, who told me to remember to blog about her. I miss her too. She's been so busy these days we hardly have time to talk. Too proactive, like Celine. She said we've exchanged hearts, now I wish one day we'll exchange vows (:

Zul'Aman

2008-09-05T06:08:00.002+08:00

More Popotan's Caramelldansen!

Check out the time. 6.11A.M.

WHY am I awake? Because of WoW > Raid > Zul'Aman.
It's like. EVERYONE who doesn't have a raiding guild would DIE for a ZA PuG. Literally. I died for it. A million kazillion billion times.

What is the problem with MEN and GOD?
It's like, this retarded pally obtained T5 gloves. Yes, I'm jealous. CAUSE I KNOW I CAN HEAL BETTA? And she has T5. It's like in Kara with the fucking T6 shammy who lazes around during trash. It's like, what does God give the hardworknig people who keeps the tank alive and pot and pot and pot like shit?

Badges.

Sometimes, I don't even get it when I forget to loot. (XD)

Badges.

And for sucky pally healers that get T5 gloves? Good rolls for the Brooch. Even the Druid won my roll. So much for being dyss' rollbot. THEN the shield drops for her. And being the only fucking idiot shield-wielding healer, yay she got it.

And we wiped and wiped and wiped on Hex. I am so speccing Healing Focus when WOTLK comes out. Druid get to heal in PVP gear and do pathetic healing. Me, I have to heal in PVE gear, keep my own mana up cause some people won't innervate me even when he's useless.

It's not like I'm showing off but it's sooooooooooooo pissing. Guess what droped. Pally healing shoulders, and a healer cloak. The other 2 heals got it and went byebye. Raid ended, right in front of last boss - Zul'Jin.

It is just NOT fair.

Blame myself for choosing a priest heals. We have sucky mana, the lousiest health and armor cause we wear cloth. Yes, we're a Jack of All Trade healer. BUT SO WHAT? I had to do everything. Raid heal, Tank heal, DISPEL THE FUCKING ASSHOLES WHO MOTHER FUCKING HIT ME during MC. they think I'm a god. I'm a poor fuckig T4 priest who just wants some FUN without IDIOTS who doesn't know hwo to DODGE AOE BOMBS or whatever it is they are supposed to do.

I just HAD to HAD to rant.

But, I loved ZA. /dance.

Like I said, who in a non-raiding guild wouldn't DIE for ZA O_o huh.

40G repairs, 8 mana pots, over 20 food buffs and 10 elixirs for ZA = small feat. I used to think it was paying for experience. But like.. who wants bad experiences?

I think we only got through Hex Lord cause he wished me good luck. and shouted at me of course. "GET SOME SLEEP DAMMIT".. My eyes have been fucking red for 2 days going cause I like stare at the computer 24/7. My mother said I look like yuan gui (vengeful spirit?) ..

Ohoh and my dad's a retard. I like closed the window and my door cause Raiding = Vent and someone was talking really loud when the rest were so soft. So he woke up cause he was hungry. Came into my room with a Teeeeeeny packet of biscuits and while he was watchign he decided to open the windows+doors. 1 hour later he comes out and scold mefor being loud. WTF IS UR PROBLEM.

Anyways I turned the sound off. Decided I can live without listening to them. And we killed HX!!!!!!!!!!!! .. But I didn't realised we called it for ZJ. LOL.

Siiiiigh.

Like Ian, I wanna go to a raiding guild.

It's like we're dragged into his (another person)'s made up pace and he's bouncing off without us, but binding us all there. Idk. But I like my friends, I love the GBank which is like almost mine anyways.

But what's endgame without raids?

I have to do something someday...

純血の誓い

2008-09-04T15:21:00.005+08:00

Popotan's Caramelldansen!

I wanted to post a really cute pic/video of Yuki (the girl you see in my blog skin - for non Vampire Knight fans) doing the Caramelldansen. But the maker was soooo tight-assed he/she/it doesn't allow reposting. Somehow I didn't know of this "internet phenomenon" or Caramelldansen till today. But it's cute =)

Decided the change my blog skin... And, I give you COLOUR. People's been complaining about the desolate (in respect of colour) blog skin before. Took me half a day to edit the blogskin to make it more Veronica friendly. I think the maker of the skin had a gigantic screen cause half of the skin was out of my screen. I decided I'd squeeze it into one and whoopie. Edited alot of HTML because somehow my second post wouldn't come out in her codes. (Now, we wouldn't want that would we?)

Somehow I couldn't get my sparkles script to work. After attempting over and over I finally gave up. Because firefox users can't see it anyways. I added the feedback script instead, so run over and submit your hearts out. You're gonna be submitting alot, I can feel it. *evil grin*..

There are other things that I don't feel like writing about. I'm in the denial/ignorance phase at the moment and it feels fine. I'm glad I still get to talk to him these days. Though your conversation are all short, it is made up in quantity I guess >>. Like the chinese/hokkien idiom goes "No fish prawn also good" (Which I don't understand cause prawns are ex, it's SHRIMPS that are cheap no?)

Now that I've wasted half my day doing this, I have to find another thing to waste my other half of the day. Ugh, this holiday is killing me with boredom.

Seeds of Life

2008-08-29T17:07:00.002+08:00

Potted Plant by ~ToNz0PhuN

Second entry today. Bravo Veron. Anyone want some rubies and diamonds? [Insider's joke only].

It was when I was downstairs, waiting for a lift, that a mother was talking (or nagging, I couldn't tell) at her young son. How young? About the age where we moved on from Barney and Sesame Street into Power Rangers and Pokemon.
I realised, through all that she was saying, how parents corrupt the kids into getting them (the children) to do what they (the parents) want. All the sneaky, underhand and even underground methods that parents use to manipulate the child.

1. Bribery
The number 1 method used by parent these days that allows a simple P6 girl to hold an iPhone in her hands. "If you do all your household chores for -insert a duration/period of time-, I'll buy you a(n) -insert object-." I won't say it doesn't work, because money talks. I'll do that if I ever have children too "$2 per day if you wash your clothes, mop the floor, arrange your bed" cause it's cheap labour.

2. Blackmail
What an underhand method eh. But what dirty little secrets do kids have? "If you don't do -insert task here-, I'll tell Daddy and Daddy will whack you on the buttbutt. You don't like pain right? So if you do -task- then I won't tell daddy." I think this was the method my mother used on me, not that it works miracles. Only does when your Dad's a bastard. My Dad is, but he couldn't care less about homework.

3. Flattery
Sadly, my mother never used it on me, not that she had any chance. "I know you're very guai one. You see -insert person-'s son, so naughty. I know you very good boy, and you'll behave yourself when I am working. I'm so proud of you, cause you know how to do your homework without me telling you to."

4. Criticism
Polar opposite of the Flattery tactic, which I had faced all my life. "You see -insert person-'s daughter. She's so guai, know when to do her homework, know how to help her mother with the housework. She don't 24/7 stick on the computer like you." or comparison with a sibling. "Your sister already now in University. Last time is ah ma take care of her. Now you got me to take care of you you don't know how to appreciate. Last time no one tell her when to do what, she whole day home alone. I now with you pei you you still refuse to learn your spelling."

5. Begging
"Please la. Mummy everyday work until so late. Your no good, useless father whole day go out and gamble all my savings away. Mummy very stress, need to do housework, earn money for you to eat, so pay so that you can go to school, buy nice clothes, watch movies in the cinema. Can't you just be good for one day?"

6. Violence
ALRIGHT. Let's move the ranking for this to be the Number 1. Mostly used and quite effective method. "You want to do this anot? You don't do this, I'll (in her/his heart: mother fucking) hit you.

There were alot more that I was thinking while walking down the stairs. But I lost my train of thought. Lots of family problems these days. It's like, I'm an innocent bystander standing in their cross-fire. Yet I'm not in their cross-fire because they are not fighting at all. I don't know what the hell both of them are doing.

Still, both of them think I'm on the other person's side. Does it matter? S/He's your Wife/Husband. If you both don't want to see each other. L2 Leave the house. I ain't no telegram machine or a relationship counsellor. L2 Leave me alone.

Lil Veronica

2008-08-29T07:59:00.002+08:00

He told me he's starting school in four days.
He said he might work while studying.
He called me 'lil veronica'.

It's 8pm, 28 August over there. It's 8am, 29 August over here.
His school starts on 1st September I guess. I can't count, I don't want to. Just makes me think about how different and far apart we are that we hardly have the chance to exist in the same date.

Watched 4bia yesterday. ><><

He wore brown contacts.
I can't resist coloured contacts. Whenever someone who's wearing them look at me, my heart melts. [Include girls too] At this rate I need CY's guy friend to "collect the raindrops and freeze my heart back". That joker distracted me from studying MBS yesterday morning. My reply: No need, I think your friend cold enough already.
Made me think the whole morning what kind of weird (but funny and sounds cute) guy he was. But a man without friendster - phail. [Shh don't tell ur friend, CY]. I only thought about him until the MBS paper came in front of my face. I think I went into shock.
The paper was freaking hard.
Cass said I looked so relax doing it. This is called - cancer patient waiting for death so I don't fight it anymore. Can't find any person to tell me the paper was easy. If someone did, I'd prolly wtfpwn him/her.

Hope today we really go and watch Wall-E. It looks so cute. But I just feel like staying home and play with YI (it's his off-day) or talk to H (and pray he doesn't sail off to sleep early). But my dear cass has her nickname "Idiot.Friday." (which is meant to remind me about going out friday).

Oh and yesterday. I got locked outside of my house -__-. With my handphone dead. I banged the door like some Ah Long trying to get my money back (minus the nuisance shouting). Still, my parents were deaf. I got so pissed I kicked the door. THAT's when my dad heard me. My mother said she heard knocking but thought if I got locked out I'll call her. When I told her my handphone was running out of batt. Lesigh.

By 11.30am I'm free (Though I'm supposed to study and I didn't).

Dedication to CY to brighten up her day: Wo Ai Ni

Takes 2 to Tango

2008-08-26T19:44:00.002+08:00

Tango by ~deadengel

Life is a hypocrite right now.
Sometimes it's such a bliss.
In a second it turns a nightmare.

I told him about my yummylicious friend (yeah, that was the exact quote I used. Although he wasn't really that yummylicious.) and he was like all "who?!" about it. I dodged the question, but he wouldn't let me.
"No one you know," I replied to him.
"Hm. I bet I'm yummier" He said.
And he probably is. He's so yummy I wanna fly right over and lap him up. I'd make good on all the offers I'd offer him and make sure he does what he promised too /winks.

As for yummylicious friend? I'm pretty much over. Hoho .. I got his number. Technically he got mine, told me to ring him up. Even wanted to chat a little. I was all like "I've got nothing to talk to you about o_o" and he was like "this is why we should get to know each other." Lady Killer.

So I got his number,
But I lost my love.

But now everyone doesn't have to worry, and I don't have to face their disapproval X_X. But as for him, I want to monopolise him. But I can't cause he's too far away. When I asked my mother, "Do you think this is true love?" She said "Maybe, but he's too far away." I know that too. And I don't believe in fairy tales, but I can't give him up as yet. August is ending, september is coming. We all know the song "Wake me up when september ends" but this time, I'll wake up when it comes.

It's like the Calling of Winter. And I'll be losing him. I wish he was here, so I could send him an sms, ring him up in the night, drop by the place where he works, watch him cycle off to work, hear him share with me about his day face to face. Snuggle up with him while he watches his basketball, eat the food he cooked (no beef though *ew*). Or lay with him in bed (nothing sexual, believe me or not).

Or just.. One touch of his hand.

----

Now I haven't touched a single page of BA, and exam's tomorrow. I'm so doomed. I didn't game either. I'm just whilsting my time away.

PS: I ate a 8 days expired Yogurt, I hope I'll be ok tomorrow X_X

----

It Takes Two to Tango
Even when you're Dancing with the Devil

El Tango De Roxanne

2008-08-19T20:43:00.003+08:00

- Moulin Rouge.

"Tells this story of prostitution.

And the man, who falls in love,

With her."

"First, there is desire.

Then... passion.

Then... suspicion.

Jealousy! Anger! Betrayal!

Where love is for the highest bidder,

There can be no trust.

Without trust,

There is no love!

Jealousy.

Yes, jealousy!

Will drive you MAD."

I decided not to blog anyways.

When I Grow Up

2008-08-18T16:01:00.002+08:00

i really really love you by ~lack-of-sanity

When I was young, I never had dreams like "When I Grow Up, I wanna be a superstar" - Pussycat Dolls. But now, when I've grown up, I keep telling myself "Grow Up Veron".

But into what? What I am I supposed to grow up to, when I have no dreams. Of course there are expectations, from me of myself, from others of myself. But where are the dreams? It's the expectations you live up to, but the dreams you grow into.

The only dreams I have are of love.

Yesterday we celebrated my Grandmama's birthday. I can't exactly count the number of candles on her cake, so I won't attempt to divulge her age. I was too busy Kara-ing but I made it for the Cake ceremony (It all sounds so grand doesn't it?) where we ate this delicious Durian Cake.

I wish we could find a way to make my Grandmama more happy. Or even, really happy. Really as in real, not very. She was sad some of her children couldn't make it. She was sad my father wouldn't come home for her due to my parent's lil childish game of Silence. [If they carry this on for 2 years, one of them can Divorce on Desertion.]

I was guilty, and should be hanged, as I only spared her that little of my time. But the one I think she needed wasn't me. She wanted my sister, my mother. It was hard but the cold hard fact. I didn't mind.

When Nana came, she kept asking stupid questions again. I was on Vent with and she was like "Why got people talking one?!" then everyone of us =__= her. Alot of weird questions too. She saw me talking to Jason on my Msn. "Ohhhh someone likes Jason," she crooned. I smiled, "Everyone knows I like Jason. But he doesn't like me =(" Nana went "What? He likkkes you, that's called FLIRTING. Flirting." This time I grinned.

My baby cousin grew up enough to know about flirting. /gasp. Cept she was still baby in some concept. Our uncle came in and she ask him "win or lose?!" Uncle: "Lost $40 la."Nana went "then win how much?" Me and Jon went "wtf" kind of face. Then she kept insisting you can win money when you lose. Sigh. WTB more brain cells for Nana.

Throughout the whole night I BGed with Ian. Then I Arena'd with Ben and Alex which was disastrous and annoying.

So like I though I would be over YI after not really talking to him for almost 2 days. My sexy girl realised I like YI. ><''
Sexy: ohhhh do you like YI?
Me: Is that a trick question?!
Me: You know the only one I love is you <3
Sexy:<3<3 butyou're avoiding the question.
Sexy: No excuses! Do you like YI?
Me: Hehe. Nope, but I might <3
Harry: Girls are scary

YI said I was quiet. So I said I had nothing to say to him, and he was quiet too. So he tried making conversation. Sadly, his attempts were "do you know this? do you know that?" which all whom I have no idea who the freaking hell they are. I was like "YI's gonna slap me~" Then he told me not to call him that. He told me to call him ______ (by his name).
What a woman killer.
There were others, which are kinda funny but I won't tell. Another cute one was.
Me: "My God I put eyemo liaoz my eye itchy!"
YI: "Want me to blow?"
YI: " /blow"
Me: "/scared =S"

The thing is, I can't resist this kinda guys. No matter how much other people hate him.

Sigh. Now what am I supposed to do?

Too much of something, is bad enough.
Too much of nothing, just as tough.

No one said you couldn't lie.

2008-08-15T10:32:00.005+08:00

I woke up, and the first thing I saw was an sms from P. Man, it's like he's trying to torture me the same way she is torturing him. Ruining my day with an sms. Well, not exactly. I replied, went to bath, and while bathing I kept thinking of YI.
That's what happens when people forbid me to love/like/lust someone. My heart will get itchy and my mind will keep thinking about him/her.

So, being the stupid me, I went to her blog. I mean like, am I just out there to ruin my own day? I blame him. His chain "You should read her blog" + Sms in the morning = Me thinking about YI then going to her blog.

I'm gonna take a line out of her book (shit I can't remember the proper idiom - page out of her book? line out of her sentence?) and do this:
She is Fucking BI-polar. [Ok, my attempt is failboat]
Woman, get some fucking medical attention. She's like all "I'm so over him" then "I'm so in love with him". I know, which woman doesn't do it? I died all over my ex. BUT No one does it in seconds. She's like... Maniac-Depressive. (If you don't know what these words mean, check the dictionary)

You can regret what you have done, strive to get him back (I swear to you he won't go back to a crazy woman) but stop doing crazy things. P-l-e-a-s-e.
That's why when he said "I don't know what she's thinking."
I replied, "I don't know what you're thinking" to like someone this... 'deranged'. Which makes me think that if they turned out married he could actually divorce her within one year (will they even hit Month #4) on "Defendant was exceptionally depraved".

Well, it's not like I hate her cause she called me a "fagwhore" because she did state "i'm worth fucking 5 years" - her typing was so bad I had to ask what she was writing. She. Can't. Spell. I mean come on, you're not three. Can't you spell 'really' instead of 'rilly'?

But when I see what she's doing, I'm pitying both of 'him's. Let one of them go, Let the other one down easy man. They're called my friends for a reason. I feel like going over and yanking her maybe bitchslapping her once or twice to tell her to wake up.
1. He's not coming back to you.
2. P is the nicest guy out there so why the hell are you doing this to him?

----

So these days I've been talking alot about Sex. Sex.sex.sex.sex. Well, don't look at me, they are the ones that started it first. And, I've always had a dirty -ahem- open mind.
She did talk about sex too. And the thing is. Girls, don't get fooled. Although they say he "Guys don't kiss and tell" thing, they all do? They just call it sharing them, discussion or whatever. If you let them have you, it's like pinning a medal on their chest. Well, I've been around so many of them I should know.

To me, Sex ain't sacred anymore.
Still, it should still be kept a secret. (Note the double still).

GL to you girls. =D
GL to you boys too.

---

Edit (7 minute before class start and I'm still home)-
She called him first.
I lost $5. Teaches me not to bet. DMN IT!
I swear I lost only because of the bet. If I didn't bet things would have gone out just as I said. DMN IT.
Now I owe 1 a meal.
Now I owe 2 a $5 bill.

I Told You So

2008-08-15T01:19:00.002+08:00

(Boys.) Sometimes a girl just needs one.
(Boys.) To love her and to hold.
- Cont'd from Britney Spears' Song: BOYS.

[Friendship]
Came home from with the guys, but not directly after leaving them. Took me a while, talked with someone. Things are complicated for him, but I won't elaborate. Also, Jerk was talking about Cedric who emo'd at him that day. The mother fucking bastard who put all his friendship problems on me. He was asking why when he said to cut ties we actually really cut ties. Why we didn't talk to him, didn't ask him how he was. Really, if he did he would just brush us off. He's like an unhappy ex coming back. Pfft. Pissed.

[Relationship]
Problems problems problems. First my mother objected, now my friend objects. He told me, "Don't ever fall in love with him. For my sake." But my mind won't listen. A girl deserve things without strings too. A girl deserves the choice, variety and ability to play. But he says he doesn't want to see me hurt.
I told him, "What if you're too late?" No he isn't but he might be. A woman deserves the attention, even if it can only last a maximum of four months. A playboy will never fall in love. Same goes for a girl. But it challenges you, will you be the one instead of chain his heart down and break it? It's not as a punishment for who he was with, but a desire to change who he is and to mold him into who he will be.
I think I'm just turning sadist. I love the pain in the relationship. Which is why none of mine ever last. "Was it the same with me?" my friend asked. And I could only sheepishly smile.

[Enemy-ship]
On another note, a jealous woman - I bet she's Bipolar. No, I know she's Bipolar - called me a "fagwhore" but she called me "Shadow" too~! Which makes me so fucking happy. I promised I wouldn't be pissed and I'm not because she's like... looney. No one will understand until you hear her bitching about a totally normal girl (not me I admit I'm as weird as JealousW) calling her gay too. Made me laugh.
I pity her. I pity him too. I pity other him too. Which only makes me want him more. I won't be a Bitch and get the other him. But I'm bitch enough to want who she wants. Not that i want him. Ok this is all getting so complicated even my brain is looney.
Yes, Veron is saying all this in the contaxt that she can even get the guy = which is impossible. But I got my share of em despite... being me. And I can get too.

I just can't get this other guy.
I'm so over H/J atm. He can type all the hearts and kisses and even "I love you". I've awoken to my fairy tale. ok, I'm just convincing myself really. I only left the house today when he went to sleep. When he went offline while I was wishing my good nights, I didn't get angry. I was telling myself that "I don't matter to him". But he came back online, cause his internet had killed him, to wish me Goodnight again. Then he offed his computer.
It's either - He's really nice. or I actually mean something to him (not that it matters.) I vote for the earlier but hope for the latter.

Both of them are working tomorrow. "His Friday," H says. "See you at 69," the other says.

I'm glad I'm not lonely anymore.
Maybe I never was.
But, still.

I just had to get my thoughts organised. Friend said he was flirting with me. He being friend's friend which is he. Ok nevermind. Sigh.. I just hate following my guts/heart/mind and end up being hurt/angry/bitched at... Then I'll have to hear my friend/mother/myself say "I told you so."

But it's like. Working for an [Azerothian Diamond] (= it might love you but you might never afford it. Since it's "Us against the World") or [Speck of Dust] (= it might not worth having you and you might regret having it. Since it's "Us against the Words").

Either .. Or
Neither .. Nor.
BOTH - says Shadow.

Boys.

2008-08-14T19:35:00.002+08:00

Boys. Sometimes a girl just neeeds one. (8)
-Britney Spears' Song: Boys

I'm glad we're over our first fight.
I'm glad he's willing to give into me. Cause I know although I said I'm sorry I didn't mean it. I wonder if he meant his when he said it too. At least I know we both have a temper when we're tired and grumpy.
I'm sad we had to fight even if we got over it. I was believing in a fantasy where we could have bliss. I was hoping, foolishly, that we were perfectly in sync. I knew most of his moods, when it came and left, and he could handle mine. That's why they say dreams don't come through.
But he started to talk to me first. Even though I was still mean and prissy.

Here's another convo with me and Y/I.
He: What your mother say when she saw me?
I was surprised. This was like the question I least expected him to ask. But he hit the mark. Still, I won't be stupd enough to tell him and ruin even our friendship.
I: Ask me who you lor.
He: Never say cannot go out with me anymore meh?
I: O_o
He: What else she say?
I: That I cannot marry you =(.
He: Damn!

Also some of them been having pretty many problems. I guess they're gonna discuss about it tonight. Hm, I have 15 minutes to meet them and I still have to bath. Sigh. And someone's taking forever to reply me on Msn. Another one's asleep and I owe him dinner. Dmn it.

Let's Roll the Dice.
Let's Flip the Coin.
Let's Choose a Boy.

He Calls Me Cutie

2008-08-05T08:29:00.003+08:00

the wait by =st3to

I told myself I was pretty over him. I told myself I didn't like his face, that he wasn't my type and so on and so forth. But these days - his nights - he's been really sweet to me. We talked, what else can we do when the world keeps us apart, and talked. I wonder, will there be a day when we run out of things to say?

I can't deny it - I'm still in love with him. I just can't stop. When these nights he was so enthu at talking with me, I keep tellng myself to be irritated at him. Maybe it's because he's off, or he's not busy in WoW and bored irl that he wants to talk to me. But my heart says all those silly things, cons my mind with stuff like, "He has so many other people to talk to, why you?"

I dreamt of him. Showing me a drawn picture of his friends, close friends. Of course they were in the form of WoW characters too (: ..

What am I to him?
What is he to me?

When I was with L, and he quarreled with me when I typed a <3 to his friend, I couldn't understand. Now I can't do it anymore - except with them of course - I still say I love yous easily (and when forced by CY *wink*) but when he type those kisses and hearts, I simply can't known what they mean.

When I asked, what's <3 to you, he told me a heart. Was it his he was giving or just planning to take mine along with him?

I've never been one to really talk to anyone online unless I'm really bored. Then I'll do the Boo stuff, or I have something important to tell you. And these days he's been asking me "Where're my Hi?!" I came up with an excuse that, he's 24/7 on msn, always away. I wouldn't know when he's there or when he's not. I told him, "you should at least keep an online or away". "Too lazy," he replied. Then he changed his status to online.

Yesterday too. When he saw me, he changed his status to online. Was it a sign like "Talk to me, Tell me hi"? I did, then "hi you <3" he replied.
When I logged on today he immediately switched from away to online. But I can't make myself talk to him. If I did, I would be sunk. My heart no longer aches when he goes to bed, but when September comes, he'll be gone for good. I have to save my heart for that day to come.

I call him hon
He calls me cutie

Deadly Infatuation

2008-07-29T23:50:00.002+08:00

I know it's a cliche, but... I'm really in a deadly infatuation.

Yes, people you have to stop me. I'm not yet to the stage where I stalk people, like hunt down for their blogs (though I've tried his friendster to no avail.. Maybe he's a facebook kind of guy..) or save their pictures into their handphones (yes, I'm referring to YOU!). I think.. It's just that I didn't have the chance. If I could, I would.

I know how people, when young or old but childish, loved to write their names and the name of the one they were like 'in love with' and circle them with hearts or write them with hearts or dot them with hearts, anything so long as there's hearts or the word love or forever and ever in their begotten dreams.

I used to put his nickname along with mine so I could see them stick together. Of course I dragged it down because it was ridiculous and shameful. I think it's almost the same. Then today, when we went for something, and we logged in at the same time, with our names together, my heart went ahhh... And I took a Screenshot. I named it "Omfg I'm obsessed".

I remembered once there was this guy (will not be named) who placed his bag on top of mine, and I went kyaaaaa (nothing like the ahhh I felt though) and I wanted to snap pics cause the bags together looked perfect. (No I had no interest in him, just the bags). I felt like that, whenever I see him online now. Which.. of course he is. He's like.. more online than I am. He's ALWAYS online. Well, technically I'm always busy so he's always away. But pity his comp and internet, cause it's living a sadder life than mine.

He's probably sleep though. Which makes me ask myself, so what time did he sleep. Immediately after I said byebye? (thinking too much of myself, but hey a woman can hope) And what time will he wake. Narrowly before work? I remember he cycles to work. I remember alot of things. I wonder if he sets the alarm, and duh he has to. I wonder will he see his awful old manager today, and I pray she'll be nice to him..

This is why I feel like a God Damn School girl.

----

Anyways. I did a freaking 3 hour Kara. Which is really,REALLY good for a bloody PuG with only 2 heals (which one of them is me of course <3). We wiped once though. The first wipe on the last boss. Wth! Other than that, everything was superb. Got my healing cloak PvE cloak~ I hope when the points come, I'll be able to get rid of my one and remaining Blue gear, and be ALL EPICs (good enough for me, luv)

I'm leveling my pally like crazy so I can gear her up too. Then I'd have a healing char, and a tank char. w00ts. But my tanking still sucks. I think it's a given rule that women can't tank as well as men. Sigh. It's like how women can't read maps. But I sure as hell can heal~ @#$!

Ok. So like we downed Netherspite (which we saved for the last) like 1minute before server shutdown for maintenance. Then I talked on msn with someone till I didn't even wanna go off... (see the hearts in my eyes honey) But I did, rushed there and I was still the first (like I told CY).

We ate subway. Talked alot to Jerk about Sex. Alex was eating slow as usual. Ben told us about this girl he met (long and funny story). This new guy Ian was so quiet. But dmn he was tempting me when he went out to smoke. We went off to TM, and Ian who drived got a summon ticket (for parking illegally), felt sad for him.

So like at TM we met my mum. Then.. we went to watch the Dark Knight (which Jerk didn't join us cause 1. He watched it before and 2. Too late for him to watch again cause he has morning shift tomorrow). Gross show, if you ask me. It was like.. Half Horror with the Joker's face. It's just plain ugly.

But nice.. Not bad. Dark Knight makes me think of Shadow Dame (Shadow Dame as in Shadow Dame, not ShadowDame which is me). If I'm not wrong I heard Ian say he was sad cause.. (omg almost spoiled the show) .. nvm. Worth a watch.

Then I walked home cause I didnt wanna trouble Ian, plus I live near and I could use the short walk. Now I'm home, smelling great and sparkling clean (again XP) and ... I haven't done my work. I have like psych, fam law and BA (which I keep forgetting is) tomorrow...

I'm Doomed.
I'm Deadly infatuated <3 and I like it.
Like I said, I AM a Masochist of Love.

If Heaven's Not Enough

2008-07-27T23:01:00.004+08:00

Lonely dancer by *VladimirBorowicz

When they ask to see your Gods,
tell them how you have seen,

The heavens starry display,
Caught in blades of grass,
On moonlit winters nights.
Or rainbows of light,
From dragonflies wings,
On a golden summer day.
Swans like pale white ghosts,
Dissolve from the nebulous haze,
Of early spring mornings.

When they ask to see your Gods,
tell them how you have heard,

The fall of winter snow,
Like glittering butterflies
On fields white with frost.
The notes of distant thunder,
Like divine symphonies,
Roll across the drum of the sky.
The song of owls,
Like haunting melodies,
Resonate through the still of night.

When they ask to see your Gods,
tell them how you have tasted,

The bitter tang of salt,
Caught in sea spray,
On a stormed tossed winter's day.
Or the taste of the coming storm,
In air thick with ozone,
During the sultry heat of summer.
Of water from mountain streams,
As pure and cold as ice,
More efficacious than wine itself.

Don't Make Light of My Love

2008-07-22T17:44:00.004+08:00

My last goodbye by *iluviar

I remembered I told Jason. "I know I looked flighty, that I'd fall in love with people very quickly, but that doesn't make my love less real."

I admit, I've loved, or like in my mother's puppy love sense of things, alot of people over the years. But, I've remembered every single one of them. I have never even forgot their faces.

Gerie said to me just now that I looked like I found a new life that made me happy. I told her I found WoW. I think I've just gotten over the loneliness. I remembered how lost I was when I finally turned single and alone again. I remembered how Ben told me, "You'll get over it one day" that one day, this feeling would finally be bearable. He forgot to mention the amount of people/products (like drugs and alcohol) that you needed to use to get over it. But thanks, now I finally think it's possible too.

Why am I writing this? Because this is to tell myself, one day I'll get over this loneliness, this sense of loss if it ever comes back. And it will, it will as soon as September comes. There are people I still can't forget, one that I'm now content just to be friends with. I wonder if he still remembers what happened, but I don't really care. What is impossible stays impossible, so I'll just take what is there. Because other than that, nothing has ever changed. He makes me happy, he makes me smile. I bet things would have been different if I could see him, touch him or so much as permanently hear his voice. Some people asked me why, why was it that a person who loved me couldn't make me happy, when a person who doesn't even so much think of me other than when he sees my name on his msn can make me bubble with happiness with so much as a "Good morning". My answer? Just because, it's just because he doesn't love me, and I know it. But I like him, he makes me smile even when he's not cracking jokes, he makes me happy even when he doesn't know.

Andrew came to find me that day. The first word was "I told you so." I told you so, that you'd get your heart broken, that you'd love only after you'd loss, you'd never find happiness if you're always so destructive. I told you so alot of things in his one sentence. Even after not being around each other so long, I still can remember the meaning behind his every look, every tone, every unspoken word. But most of all, I told you so, I'd come back for you. Then he hit me on the head when I just stared, whispered "idiot" and smiled.

My smart assed question was "What? Broken up already?" which earned me a steely stare then a sheepish grin, which showed how much in love he was. I don't know if it's the same girl or the 100th one after, I didn't need to know.

We talked about it, we talked about her. He even asked about my hims. But there was nothing I could tell that he didn't know (he claims my life is an open book on the webpage and I don't care). He raided my fridge for a drink, and all he said was "Tasteless" then settled on Ice cold water. I wanted to clock him on the head, or just kiss him smack on the lips. I spent night after night on papers he brought me, after.

But that day, he laid his hand on mine and said,
"Even if you remember our names, Don't forget yours."

It's like Jason saying, after I said "WoW = Eury's life"
He replied me "Now Veronica can live"

I'd forgotten, or I wanted to forget, after the myraids of names people call me, and the myraids of other names that I loved, I'd forgotten the part where all of them made me.

To :) you who know who you are, I don't care for you. Whether you'd say you love me, if you do, or you say you love me to make a mockery of my love for girls, it's ok. But I just have something to say. Just don't, don't make light of my love.

PS: I Love You

2008-07-10T19:15:00.002+08:00

Forgive me, forget me by *iluviar
"But most of all, let me forget you."

I think I'm being haunted.
No, I know I'm being haunted.

I wake up in the middle of the nights, drenched in sweat, from my nightmares of hands on my skin, of mouths moving so fast that I can't read, with hearts being broken and torn apart.
I stop in the middle of nowhere, because I smell the scent of him, from the back of my mind, and I turn and I see someone else.
I pause in the middle of a meal, as it turned tasteless compared to when I was with him, when food tasted great, when life felt hard but colourful.

I'm being haunted by the ghost of my own memories.

I'd blame my talk on the illness, on the loneliness a woman is bound to feel. I've been occupying myself for three months, busying myself with game after game after game. When games were down, I'd go out and out and out. When both were not alternatives, I'd brood and brood and brood about anything, anything but him.

I attribute my current long-standing illness to the months of brooding and not sleeping and not resting. I couldn't, I can't. Everytime I close my eyes, Every dream I have, Every scent of him, breaks my already broken heart a little more.

I even told myself I fell in love with someone, and I keep lying to myself that I still do. I promised myself I wouldn't regret, told myself I'm not the person who'd ever want to turn back time.

I don't. I don't. I don't.

But everything in this world is reminding me of him. His stuff chucked away in my closet and my drawers, the gifts he gave me hidden under the bed, his perfume constantly in my mind, his hugs that I miss. I can't even DotA cause it makes me think of him. I can't even watch horror movies, eat pizza hut. I can't so a single thing, without him popping into my mind.

Today, P reminded me of the day I decided I like him. Even popping a can of coke reminds me of our first date. I'd think, then I'd laugh at myself. I'd thought I'd forgotten everything, now i'd only forgotten why I told him to leave.

Even my hotmail dissed me. When I was trying to test recover an old account for Dyss, all his accounts popped up. All 3 of them. Under it was the word "Forget Me" what a joke from Hotmail. I wish it was that easy, that every memory of him would just wipe away from my mind with a click, or 3 in that case.

Forgive me.
Forget me. I know you already have.
But most of all, let me forget you, cause I'm trying so hard but I can't.

Someone. Save me.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

PS: I loved you.

When the World's Sleeping

2008-06-25T00:42:00.004+08:00

of the Night. II by `zemotion

I wanted to start with a punchline. It went along the line of "Do you notice how many sentences we typed started with an 'I'?" Then I backtracked into some old posts and couldn't find any yet. This post shall accumulate all the 'I's for me.

I was walking home tonight, after going out with them. I carried my big assed umbrella with me home. It clicked again the floor as I walked and walked. It wasn't the longest walk in my life, but just as meaningful.

Alright. I hate music. When the first notes plays, you feel like you can write a whole story with music reflecting your emotions. Then the second note, third note, you feel the connection drifting away. Now it loses you. Which is why I always end up stopping what I write, and what I mean to say never turn into words.

It was 12am when I was walking home. There were people around, cars running through the roads, heading back to somewhere warms, or cold if they loved the air conditioner. I didn't hear much, not that I would hear anything, since I had the music on. Irony? "Come Home" was playing.

But even standing in a deserted stretch of road, with no one to look, I couldn't tap dance my way home - well, not that I had the inclination to - but that I always feared, and hoped a little, that someone was watching. Then again, why should I care? Half the world lay sleeping, and even if everyone was awake, no one would be watching.

There was time where I thought that if I wrote a letter to God everyday, maybe one of them could actually fly up to heaven and God would hear my plea. Then all I realised was that you're just polluting the world if you started dumping letters out the window and wish they could somehow fly to heaven.

If I could write a letter now, or maybe I am since I'm typing here, I wish it could like go through electronically to god cause I'm sure he has a computer too, I would write one sentence. "Dear God, are you watching?"

On my bent of self-destruction, I did what I always do best. I killed my chances of being happy, swift and accurate. I don't do why I do it. I told him, L, I warned him that I do these kind of things out of the blue. I can't remember what he said, but I'd wished he'd go through it for me over and over and over again. He did, once, twice maybe thrice, but not forever. Aparently =) ..

But it was more than him. Friends, families. Out of the blue I'd just get all these streaks of mad emotions, which drives me insane cause they seem so normal. I'd chase everyone away, I'd break their wills and their hearts and get them to go so far, so far away. Now I'm standing all alone. Not alone, but I want to be, yet I don't..

I don't even know if I make sense.

It's hard. Living day after day, pretending. It's like... coming out of a mental hospital, pretending I'm sane. or ... coming out of a brothel, pretending I'm still a virgin. It's like coming out of a room with blood all over your hands and pretending you were innocent when the dead man has your skin under his nails.

I'm not the only one trying. The way he still talks to me, he way he tries to make me laugh. It's so hard telling myself what is real and what is false, and still try to pretend I'm okay with it. It's so hard to pretend everything's fine when you're still bleeding and no one sees it. It makes you wanna scream to everyone "I'm not okay" but you know no one cares.

I stopped in this world for one second. Now everyone's gone. Now everyone's well on their way. I know I can do it, I've catched up before. But I don't have the strength anymore. I don't have the stamina. I can't keep going on, when I have nothing to live for. No one, to live for.

When the world's sleeping, I'll take that time to cry so nobody knows.

When the world's awake, I'll take that time to cry cause nobody cares.

"katenai youna ki ga shitaomae wa itsumo tsuyoishi nakanai" sore wa kimi ni kanchigai

Good Night and Sweet Dreams

2008-06-20T16:57:00.002+08:00

Good Night by ~sarakager

"Good Night, Sweet Dreams, Sleep Tight, I love You" was a phrase that went around my household. Okay, maybe around me, every night. It was a ritual ended with a kiss. It was one of my habits. So much that if I read out the whole line, to a stranger even, I almost always add the "I love you" in it.

I don't of course.

We don't do it anymore, at least. I guess the only word left is Sweet Dreams. That was what my mother wished me last night before we slept. Irony? That's like the line that you-know-who-that-should-not-be-mentioned wishes me every morning (for him) evening (for me) before he goes to bed.

No thanks.

Dreams, no matter how sweet are all nightmares. If they were scary, like boogeysmans (when you're the age of five), you'd wake up afraid. If they were sad, like your parents died (when you're the age of fifteen), you'd wake up crying. It they were happy, like you having sex (when you're the age of twenty-one and MALE f.y.i.), you'd wake up realised you're still a virgin and you'd be like dmn. rofl? But you get what I meant, cause I drifted from the point.

Sweet dreams turn into nightmares when you wake up, and realise it was all a dream. That whatever you dreamt of inside so happily would never happen in your life. It's like dreaming about snow in Singapore. It'd be worse, if the dream was something you always wanted and always yearned. When you woke up, realised it's not there, all you'll feel is pain.

So please, don't put me to sleep.

I don't have the pleasure of not dreaming when I sleep. Some days I'd find it a blessing, some days I'd find it curse. I blame it on my mother. 符梦珂 the middle word is Dream. So now, I'd rather toy with reverse psychology and have nightmares. At least, when I wake up, now I'd think life wasn't that bleak.

Or else, don't wake me up please.

2008-06-18T20:15:00.002+08:00

I don't even have a title for my post. One of the rarest and maybe the saddest day of my life.

They turned my geuine but silly emotions that I haven't felt in a really really long time into some fifth-grade joke. I'd say it's karma. I'd say what goes around comes around. I'd say I'd wished it upon myself.

I'd laugh at myself if I was a third person looking at myself.

Irony. Irony to have my one very wish, to be given, to be fulfilled, when it was the worst period. To be given, to be fulfilled, not by the man himself but through a plea.

I wouldn't say he broke my heart. And now I don't even know if he's nice or not. I guess it's better this way. For someone who was always called cold-hearted and practical and 100% logical, I seemed to have lost my way. For the one time that I wanted to dream beyond sleep and hope and trust, I was cheated. Cheated of my feelings, cheated of the one heart that I had left to give.

I know I seem flightly, seem like anyone would do, even a spectre of someone I imagined. But I don't love easily. Now, I won't love at all. I know, I'm the one for melodrama, for big words big actions that are only seen in old day romances. But now, I'm too old for fairy tales. I'm too old for happily ever afters.

I have deluded myself, cheated myself, broken myself, turned myself into a millenium old joke. Turned myself into a pity, a charity case for emotions. My first and last confession.

I had forgotten what I told myself. So recently, yet it felt like a million years ago. "Don't fall in love, Veron." Nice name huh, he said. My one wish, that he would call me by my name. Andrew was right, "Be careful what you wish for, they might come true one day." It did, it did. He shouted my name in caps today, I feel silly typing this out, I'll probably laugh at this when I grow older. He said my name, told me it was nice. Irony. Irony.
He did it to break my heart.

A: maybe say her name make her happy
H: no
H: i'm not oging to say anything like that
A: i know
A: lol
H: wowowowow
H: don't be gay

Silly, Silly Veronica. Now you know why he asked you for your last name. And it fits, you are a Fool.

H: you are only what? 20?
H: she is only what? 18?
H: sheeesh

I just realised, I don't even know his age. I just learnt his last name too. One more mark for my stupidity.

Timestamp: 8:03:56 AM

I woke up just minutes after. He must have been laughing till his eyes teared up, till the ceiling fell off. I'd just as well turn myself into a fucking joke book. I'd just as well have fallen in love with a penguin in antartica, just far enough and I'd probably know more about the penguin than H. I would have blamed K who made me believe. But I'd thank K for giving me hope.

Irony. When I had my D, they'd diagnosed that I was taking too much on for life. Trying to take on for more than my age, being too mature had killed my emotional stability. They told me to give it up, to believe in fairy tales and romances. To give in into childishness.

Look where it got me into, Mummy.

I really loved him, it, whatever it is you called it. Not the person, but the entity named Hitokari that had given me dreams. The people who put me down, who discouraged me, what did it matter to you that I didn't know his face, didn't know his name, the very colour of his hair, the very feel of his skin? What did it matter to you that he could be lying to me every word of his sentences, very emotion of his words? I had finally, finally loved again after having my heart frozen. I could be in self-denial and said I loved his essense, loved his soul if nothing else. I would ask you, if you so believe in the God you prayed, did it matter to you that you have never seen his essense, that you never know who wrote his bible, that you might have never even felt his soul?

But you were right.

I have lost the battle with myself.

So, are you happy now?
Are you laughing now?

Silly Pipe Dream

2008-06-17T22:32:00.002+08:00

I wonder, what was like being Sleeping Beauty?

What did she think of while she slept?
What did she dream of while she slept?
So, when Prince Charming woke her up...
What did she think of while she woke?
What did she felt when she woke?

I feel like sleeping ~~beauty~~.

I did so many things yesterday. Hearts. I broke many hearts yesterday.
A, B, L's. Not that I had L's anymore.
But mainly, I think I broke my own.

I don't know why I did it. I felt like I was set on self-destruct, that someone had pushed the button. Was it me? Was it God? There were so many things I could have done different yesterday. I told myself I'm not the "if only" kind of person. I'm not, I'm just saying things would have been different. If I walked a different path, I wouldn't be alone today.

You know, they were right. The millions and thousands of people who called me heartless. Things with A and B could have gone so differently, but I just had to make them cry. Big, hard-hearted men who would weep.
Things with L could have never happened. I have no excuse for myself. I was so lonely without H online, and even lonely with him online. But when I saw L, and I thought about how he couldn't even come in case we saw each other, I felt like... I wanted to talk him. That I had so many, so many things to say. But I had no idea what I had to say, what I to wanted to say. They were just words, I just missed the feel of him under my hand, the curve of his lips against my cheek. They were like a dream, once dreamt but forever lost.

I was so afraid.
So afraid I would go back to him, or ask him back, even though I knew he wouldn't love me back ever again. I was so afraid I was going to try to get him back, or even beg. And too proud to try. So I had to get him away, to save him and save myself. I had to chase him off so far, so far I wouldn't have a chance even if I wanted to. And I did it, I chased him off. So yes, they were right. I'm heartless.

This is why, for 18 years now, and I'm still alone.

Call me an unrequited love maniac. Call me stupid to choose someone so far, so far away to like. Someone I dreamt of, someone faceless and nameless in my head. Yes, he is real, yet he is false in many ways.
K said maybe I like him because in a dream world, in a world where there are no expectations and stress, he makes me happy. But there are, expectations in my dream world. And he does, as in, make me happy. I don't know why either, it's not like he's sweet mouthed or anything, it's not like we fell in love in first sight or anything. It's the sense of peace I get when I'm around him.

But the thing is. He is real, but so far, so far away. What future can we have even if my feeling was mutual? We don't even live under the same sun, we don't even see the same moon. K said I'm a romantic when I said that. He just woke up, and went to work. I barely know anything about him. He is just a faceless, nameless unknown entity. Yet I feel so much, so much for him.

It sounds stupid and hopeless, but when he's gone I feel like I can't breathe. When he's here I get so happy yet so sad because I can't touch him. And when I'm alone, I feel so hurt because I can't even just pick up a phone and dial his number. I want him. I miss him now. But I can't ever have him.

If only one day, he'll call me by my name.

Black and White Rainbow

2008-06-16T11:15:00.003+08:00

I had so many things to write about, despite having a not-so-very-colourful-nor-exciting-life.

Nevermind. I lost track of what I wrote.

There's just too many things right now. Family, Friends, Foes.

It's like I'm stuck in this world all alone.

I wanna monopolise him, I've never wanted anyone to be jealous, to be angry to be frustrated over me. Never. But he's too nice. I want him to show me the bad side of him. I want to be the only one who sees it. I want to be special.

Like a Black and White rainbow... Would you notice it in the sky?

Edit:: I wish he'll call me by my name.

God as the Ventriloquist

2008-06-09T10:34:00.005+08:00

I feel like screaming.

No, I feel like I already am. Standing in the midst of a monochrome world, that is so fast and so busy that it buzzes like static. I'm standing the middle, with so many people yet so alone. Some of them stop by me, ask me a question but the words they say are in a foreign language. I question them, but they just turn around and leave. The rest of them walk by me, like shimmering and wavering images, like wandering ghosts that drift past me. I am relieved yet so alone.

Standing alone in this dramatised world, stuck in a television stage, I dare not move cause I've yet to read my line. I feel like God is watching through the screen, I look up for guidance but he just waits in glee. Then I hear nothing but the dead screeching silence, worse than silence itself. It rings in my ear as enthusiatically as a christmas carol. I cover my ears and squeeze my eyes. A nightmare, it's just a nightmare, I mutter to myself. I thought I heard God laugh, like it was a comedy.

So I opened my mouth and screamed.

Nothing. Silence cannot describe the sound that poured out of my mouth and into my ears. It was nothing. Not a word, not a thing, not an adjective. It was nothing that poured out of my mouth. No sound, no tone, no word, not even a vibration in the air where the sound was supposed to me.

My eyes opened in fear, my hands slipped down. The world was real. The images weren't black and white, they weren't fuzzy with static like in a dream. There was no God watching my act, but my act was real. The people that walked by were familiar. Friends, Families, some with just a name on their sleeves that were faceless, some with just faces that were nameless.

It's just a nightmare, I mutter to myself, but I didn't have a voice.

Kill me Slowly, Kill me Quick

2008-06-07T16:04:00.003+08:00

One Republic >> Say (All I Need)

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Do you know where the end is?

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it

--------

kNOw Love

2008-05-26T10:32:00.002+08:00

Do you guys remember the Drugs Campaign we have in Singapore? kNOw drugs, now I'm telling you which is the more deadly killer, kNOw love.

I heard H's voice for the first time yesterday. He barely spoke a word, and sort of typed the rest after, but I got to hear it (and alot of other ang moh voices, esp Z's that almost made me orgasm right in front of them comp. Nan-cha-teh!)

You'd wonder if he was lying, about how he was treating you, like how bLuRRyCoRaL (see I can still remember which letters to caps) did in Maple, that he'll be doing onto me in WoW. At the moment, I don't care. It's nice...

but kNOw Love Veron, he's bound to break your heart one day.

Anyways, I extended this kindness to help some of Alex's friend on WoW yesterday, then she turned out to be a girl with a boyfriend *sweats* .. Then I also helped Jeremy's MALE cousin =3 and brought him to RFC. w00t..

I needddddddddddddddddddd better gear.. More mooncloths today Yay.. WTB WTB WTB Primal Mooncloth ROBE. Arghhhh I WILL.. 4 more days maybe but I WILL.

Anyways exams are coming, and I haven't even so much as LOOK at my exam timetable. Sigh. All I do is WoW all day. And no one will be bothered to even break my habit. And to think I was strong enough to stop DotA.. Look where it got me.